"The Incredible Petrified World" -1959.

This post will be concerning the movie that is pictured above: The Incredible Petrified World. Released in 1959 after spending two years on the shelf gathering dust, it finally saw the light of day on the bottom half of a double bill with "Teenage Zombies". Phylis Coates accepted the role of Dale Marshall only as a favour to director Jerry Warren, a former boyfriend; the actress originally cast in the lead couldn't do it and Warren couldn't find anyone else. He convinced Coates to do it by telling her that the film would not be shown in California. But, after it was completed, she found out that Warren did release the film in California. She was told by studio executives at Columbia (her studio) that the film was so bad the studio would not be hiring her again. Warren never did pay her. Now, that sounds pretty harsh but maybe you haven't seen this turkey.


This movie....God in Heaven, this movie is....horrible is too kind. Boring is too mundane. Idiotic insults towering icons of idiocy that have come before and since. This...this...thing will never again darken my rods and cones. I would throw it away but it is contained in a DVD with several other B-movies, each one "The English Patient" compared to it. The machine has yet to be invented that could calibrate this "movie"s awe-inspiring crappiness. Where to begin? The science-ignoring plot? The ferociously bad makeup? The Blue Light Special special effects? How about the poster that shows a comely blonde in a revealing dress being molested by a cephalopod? Not only did neither of the two women in this film wear a revealing dress (in any colour) but the only octopus seen is at the beginning of the film during the mind-numbingly boring six minute introduction.

I should have realised what I was in for when the narrator droned on for SIX MINUTES!!! at the beginning of this hot mess. Then clue number 2: John Carradine. A decent actor who made some absolute crap as he got longer in the tooth. Here's an example of the "science" used: in a diving bell, being lowered into the ocean - "You are at 1,300 feet...should be getting dark now" Y'think?! Then the people in the diving bell put on scuba gear and exit the bell at 1,700 feet below sea level. Not only are they not crushed like an empty pop can, they find an undersea cave (?) that has oxygen (somehow) along with animals (strange since the cave has no flora or fauna) and, naturally, another explorer who has been trapped there for twenty years (or whatever).

Then there is the actual quality of the film: the underwater filming is positively screwed. There are several instances where I had no idea what I was supposed to be seeing. Too much light obliterating the scene or darker than the inside of a cow, and no in between. Let's talk dialogue: Two men and two women trapped in the underwater cave (seriously, WTF?) the women naturally become competitive with each other for the affections of the men....sure. Quote from Bimbo Number One while smiling alluringly at one of the men :"We won't need any help as long as there are two men around." No, really...that's what she said. When they find the stranded scientist who hasn't seen another human for twenty years (or whatever) he speaks English in spite of being identified as a Spaniard. I guess when you have that kind of time to yourself you take up a hobby. And why oh why in these movies do the male and female scientists always have to fall in love with each other? They are SCIENTISTS for Chrissake! They are supposed to be smart and rational. And don't even get me started on the Spanish scientist's incredibly fake beard! It looks like someone cut up a teddy bear and glued it to his face!

 Things I learned from this "movie": 1-Never, ever watch it again, 2-light sources in underwater caves (no really, WTF??!!) are everywhere, 3-food is plentiful despite lack of sunlight and soil, 4-it only takes a few days to build a complex diving bell capable of withstanding enormous underwater pressures, 5-cat fight at 54 minutes!, 6-if you find an unconscious deep sea diver who has run out of oxygen, just give him a steaming cup of coffee and he will perk right up, 7-no matter how homely, a male and female scientist will always fall in love with another scientist, 8-female scientists hate each other for no reason other than they are both women, 9-in some cases Spanish scientists trapped in underwater caves (you get it by now) for twenty years (or whatever) can be of questionable sanity, 10-thank God that's over!