"The Angry Red Planet" -1959

Tagline: "Spectacular Adventure Beyond Time And Space..." What, pray tell, is beyond time and space? I mean, I know there's "Bed Bath And Beyond" but I have never happened across "Time Space And Beyond". I wonder if they sell sheet sets?

I think the poster should be an excellent indication of what kind of B-movie we are dealing with here. Everything that "Destination Moon" was, "The Angry Red Planet" is the polar opposite of. Where once there was logic, there is now randomness. Where once there was scientific facts, there is now supposition. Where once there was passable acting, there is now drivel. Now, having said all that you would assume that I didn't like TARP. You would be wrong. Anyone who reads this blog knows as long as you aren't boring me to tears (I'm looking at you "13 Frightened Girls") I enjoy a really silly movie. And, hoo doggy! This movie does not disappoint! Let's jump right in!

"Plot"- (note quotation marks) General Whashisface (that's him in the middle)

gets word that a rocket ship sent to explore Mars has been found drifting in space. That's good, because everyone thought it was blown up but it's also bad because they can't communicate with any of the crew...assuming they are still alive. Some of the more senior eggheads point out that the rocket can be controlled remotely,

as long as there is still fuel on board the craft. Well, let's get crack-a-lackin'! Cue the stock footage supplied by NASA of smart-looking people doing important-looking things!

Awesome. Okay, now we just wait for the signal.....

Okay, the rocket has been remotely started and is being piloted back to Earth.

Now to build the tension: Are there survivors? What has become of the crew? Did they have to use their huge arsenal of weapons or break out their boat? (You think I'm kidding, but just you wait!) Anyway, after what seems like a very long time (to me) the rocket

finally makes it's graceful landing on terra firma and the crews are sent scurrying

towards it to check for radiation. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but I can tell you that anything that has been beyond the Earth's protective barrier will have a certain amount of radioactivity. But they check everything very carefully until the door to the rocket ship opens and one of the survivors emerges.

And it's the girl! Well, screw being careful now! Let's go get her! And, oh yeah, I guess check inside the rocket for the guys, too.

Ooh...that's not good. Okay, quick question: four astronauts were inside, but only the girl and one guy comes out on a stretcher. That's bad, right? Not even any bodies. Well, Dr. Iris Ryan

(the girl) seems just tickety-boo...no realism to weigh her down, like vertigo or dealing with the Earth's atmosphere again after months of breathing recycled oxygen, or muscular atrophy or other real problems astronauts face. Nope, she just hucks the door open like she's fresh off the Greyhound from Tulsa. And, unlike the other survivor (Col. Tom O'Bannion) she doesn't have green goo eating her hand and arm.

Probably because her main role in the film is to see things and scream.

Yeah, like that. "Irish" does a lot of screaming and fainting and struggling with her subconscious.

I do that too, but I always end up still going to work on Monday morning. The problem is, as we find out once they finally get to the real story line, the mission left two dead and one with green Jell-O all over his arm. They also find out all of the electronic recording instruments and the tapes

(kids: tapes were like iTunes combined with the sticky stuff your Mommy uses to wrap presents at Christmas) are completely blank. That means there is no record of any of the events after lift off.

They keep pressing "Irish" for her recollection of the events, but her mind is protecting itself by causing her to forget the atrocities she has witnessed. Now that we have that established in the plot line, we can finally get to the fun stuff. And in 1959, that means using that neat "woogly" blend of now and then, as the person stares earnestly off into the distance:

if it helps, you can picture "Wayne's World"

as they segue to another shot. You know, "doo da loo da doo, doo da loo da doo..." and wave your fingers in front of you while you bring your arms down....Never mind. Anyway, we travel back in time through Iris' memories and we are plopped down as they begin their voyage to Mars and leave Earth behind. Iris looks out the Space Window (Tm) while Sam (the communications guy)

looks over her Space Shoulder (no Tm).

We are also introduced to Professor Theodore Gettel and Colonel Tom O'Bannion.

The Colonel is the one who looks like a cheap knock-off of Humphrey Bogart

and the Professor is the one who looks like a cheap knock-off of Claude Rains.

You'll see the whole "Fauxgart" thing once Tom starts waving his pistol around.

Anyway, the crew seem to be doing okay (in Iris' memory) at first and the worst they have to deal with is a comet (or something) that passes close to the ship.

It is supposed to be very tense, but between the poor acting and the annoying warning sounds, it's just really irritating. Iris spends a lot of her time wandering around with a clip board.

She's supposed to be a scientist, but I was getting more of a "hairdresser" vibe from her throughout the movie. She does some science-y stuff later but we have to wait a while. In the meantime, the director wants us to know that Tom and Iris have a thing brewing, so he beats us over the head with it for 20 minutes or so.

All this and it's only day one!

That? That's a clock....no, a "clock"...it's how people told time before iPods....you see, each number on the clock....never mind. Google it. We see a lot of the clock, too.

It's used to explain that it takes quite some time to travel to Mars. Apparently, that wasn't super obvious in 1959. We also get to see Tom hitting on "Irish"

(as he calls her) and pretty much everyone else.

I hope they packed a lot of antiperspirant on this trip, because Tom seems to really like putting his arm up. At least the Professor is on to him.

We also get to see that although there is technology to record every waking moment electronically, the woman still has to get out her IBM Selectric

and type notes and such. I'm surprised they didn't have a Space Kitchen (Tm) so Iris could whip up some grub for those hard working men! What?....That?...That's a typewriter....Google it. Anyway, somewhere around day 47

they assume their landing positions (which involves sitting in a Space Chair {Tm} and dimming the lights)

and soon they are landing on the surface of Mars.

As you can well imagine, our heroes do not go skipping out in a merry fashion immediately. No! Safety first. On that note, let's go look out the Space Window.

Just because we have millions of dollars in electronic Doo-Dahs (Tm) there's no reason to use them just to protect our lives when we have a perfectly good Space Window to look out of. After observing no movement of any kind for quite some time (and hearing nothing on the Space Microphone (Tm) attached to the outside of the ship that is somehow impervious to extreme heat and cold) they decide to go have a boo. As they are putting on their rather boring looking Space Suits (Tm)

Iris looks towards the Space Window and sees this:

Now, here's my question: The part of the rocket with the Space Window is pretty high, and as we see later this alien dude isn't hugely tall. So how is he appearing at the window that I assume to be twenty or thirty feet in the air? Meh, I'm sure it will all work out. Upon seeing the alien dude Iris is contractually obligated to scream,

which she does. This brings us back to "present" time with Iris in the hospital bed,

fighting with her memory. I'm not sure why the director felt the need to bring us back to the "present" but he does it a few more times. Perhaps he felt our nerves couldn't handle the incessant tension (sarcasm). This movie doesn't need a "Fright Break"

any more than "Homicidal" needed one. After successfully jarring us away from the Mars landing story line the director reinserts us right back in. We see our intrepid quartet as they exit the rocket and begin their adventure, guns drawn, of course.

You may be wondering why everything is tinted red.

Me, too, actually. It was both moronic and annoying. I get that Mars is the red planet, I further understand that "Cinemagic" paid a lot of money to slap us silly with as much colour as we could handle, but c'mon! I don't need to have to pause the movie and look away every five minutes so I don't get a headache! But I yelled at the TV for no reason and it ignored me just to make it's point. The annoying red filter refused to budge. As long as I'm bitching, check out the fauna on Mars.

And I don't mean the occasional plant or a tree here and there, I mean the full-on-Jurassic-Park-meets-The-Flinstones fauna! Where the Hell is all this plant life getting it's required photosynthesis from? Try sticking your fern under a red heat lamp and check it in a day or two. Let me know how that works out for your fern. Anyway, Fauxgart and the rest of the crew set out to wave loaded firearms at each other for no good reason

and also decide to try out their Space Freeze Ray (Tm). It's a ridiculously large rifle thingy

that freezes objects so that Col. Fauxgart can smash them with his pistol.

And, no, by the way, that annoying inconsistency in the photos is not my doing. That's part of the "cinematic magic"

that happens when you film entire scenes with a stupid red filter. The only good thing I can say about the filter is for whatever reason it makes Iris look pretty hot.

I'm not sure why, maybe it's her Space Helmet (Tm). Or at least she's hot until she gets cocky and, after giving Colonel Fauxgart heck for babying her, nearly gets devoured by a huge carnivorous plant.

Luckily, Fake Bogie is there to chop her free using his Space Machete (Tm).

Now, I will admit I'm not the brightest crayon in the box (I believe I fall somewhere between "Burnt Sienna" and "Maroon") but I would say to myself "Self, if there are giant carnivorous plants on Mars then certainly these plants must have been eating something before we got here" and I would be right. These twits, however, can't seem to follow my logic and manage to toddle back to the rocket

without being gobbled up by any of those creatures. Sam has developed a...shall we say "unhealthy"...attachment to his freeze ray.

I guess it was supposed to be comedy relief but I'm not a big gun nut and it kinda freaked me out. Charlton Heston is somewhere, cursing my name.

Or, at the very least he's reading my blog and screaming: "It's a madhouse! A madddd-housssse!!".

For Mr. Heston's sake, I hope it's merely the former. Anyway, we have enough of a break from the annoying red filter to establish that Mars at night has a blue sky

that changes to purple at sunrise

and then proceeds to retina-destroying red during the day.

Being well-rested, the crew decides to have another go at investigating the surface

...since yesterday went so well. It isn't long before they happen upon some unusual looking trees.

Iris decides she wants to collect a sample and borrows Fauxgart's Space Machete.

 Gadzooks! It seems the trees are actually the legs of an enormous Bat/Rat/Spider thingy!

Did none of you look up as you approached this thing? Was it's body and head hiding behind a Martian Space Cloud (Tm)? How stupid are you people?

At any rate, the Bat/Rat/Spider thingy tries to crush Professor Fake Claude Rains in it's Incredibly Fake Marionette Death Grip (no Tm)!

Luckily, Sam and his Special Friend the freeze rifle are there to save the day.

But, oh no! The ray gun has no effect on the puppet!....I mean "the monster"...after some oh-so-helpful coaching from Col. No-Gart, Sam shoots his freeze ray

at the eyes of the pupp...I mean monster...and it hops around very marionette-ishly

while our door-knob heroes make their escape. Now, sure Iris was nearly eaten by a Martian Chia Pet and sure, the Professor was almost crushed by a monster designed by a committee, but that's no reason to give up and go back to the ship, right? Heck, no! Mars isn't going to explore itself!....That came out wrong, but you get the idea. Our idiots trek onwards and find an expansive lake of some mysterious liquid.

Since everything else on Mars has been murderous or poisonous, Iris decides to stick her hand in the mystery fluid. Why not? What's the worst that could happen? Acid? Fungus? Maybe a Mystery Fluid Sea Monster will gnaw off her hand. Nope. Nothing. But they decide it's getting late and they should head back to the ship. Yeah, thirty foot tall Bat/Rat/Spider thingies don't send you packing but once you start to lose that lovely redness it's time to call her a day! Makes sense. On their way back we get to see that the Martian thing Iris saw in the Space Window is watching them.

We also get to see he's not tall enough to peek in the window that's way the Hell up in the air, too! After long enough for my eyes to readjust to normal lighting, Col. Fauxgart announces he intends to blast off immediately.

Screw the scientific endeavour! Things are trying to eat us! Finally, a good idea. But some mysterious force holds the rocket firmly in place. Despite giving the rocket full power it won't budge.

Luckily, unlike "Destination Moon" this rocket has a seemingly unlimited supply of fuel. Well, if we're stuck here we may as well go back out onto the Martian land that we were so desperate to escape a few minutes ago and do some leisurely sightseeing. Makes sense. And, like all voyages to planets millions of miles from Earth, the crew brought an inflatable life raft

....Y'know, just in case there's a cool beach and junk. Did you ever notice nobody ever calls "Shotgun"

when they get in a boat? I guess in a boat if you have a paddle you're just as much the driver as anyone else. I was nothing short of "King Shotgun" in my youth. I rarely rode in the back of any car. Timing is everything. Where was I?...Oh, yes...after paddling for some time our intrepid dummies get a glimpse of something on the horizon. They break out the Space Binoculars (Tm) and see a lovely ink drawing

of what we assume to be a Martian city! Holy Smokes! There's something you don't see every day. Their amazement quickly fades when a strange behemoth emerges from the Mystery Fluid

and makes a bee-line for their Space Dingy (Tm)! Paddle! Paddle! They make it to the shore and look back to see the Big Toad Thingy chomping on their Space Dingy.

Damn! We had two more payments on that! The Big Toad Thingy might have been more frightening (or at least less giggle-inspiring) if it wasn't for the single eyeball near the top of it's head

that spun around in a perfect circle like a light on top of an emergency vehicle. I can't even imagine why any creature in nature would have an eyeball that whirled around incessantly. Anyway, it's pretty silly looking right up until it grabs hold of Sam

 as he enters the ship and turns him into a Thanksgiving dessert.

Colonel Fauxgart discovers he, too has been injured by the Big Toad Thingy (it turns out to be a kind of amoeba, actually). No time to wallow, though because the amoeba is trying to eat the ship.

They fire the rockets (again) but no luck. Then Col. No-Gart gets an epiphany!

Uhm, no. I'm telling you, an epiphany isn't a luxury car. He gets an idea, okay? Amoebas can be killed with electricity, so they hard wire the exterior of the ship

and shock the creature worse than the justice system was shocked by Zimmerman's acquittal.

But it does kill the amoeba.

Yay! But, oh no! Professor Claude Feigns has a heart attack

with all this excitement and rich food! And then Iris sees the somehow occasionally tall alien

in the Space Window and is contractually obligated to faint.

When she comes to, she finds herself strapped into her Space Chair

and the rocket already in flight, leaving Mars far behind. She also finds the Professor (Pro-Faker, is more like it!) dying quietly in his seat.

He tells her that the Colonel is very sick

from an infection sustained from contact with the amoeba

and then promptly dies, having met his contractual obligation in this film.

We never see the Professor's corpse again, not even to be removed from the rocket ship after it lands on Earth. Which begs the question: wha' happen? And the answer: I'unno. I think Iris jettisoned his body after a respectful amount of time rather than smell that for 47 days. What really happened? My theory is actually that the writers just forgot about it. So, now Iris is the only conscious living person left on the rocket ship. That wouldn't be as big of a deal except the boys kind of left a mess

when they re-wired the ship to electrocute the amoeba. Iris sits down in her Space Chair to collect herself and BAM!

we're back to "present" time. Now that the information as to what the Colonel's infection is has been revealed, Iris gets back to doing science-y stuff like measuring fluids

and discussing science-y stuff with movie extras.

 Now with Iris' hard work it's easy enough to fight the infection.

BOOM! Done. But there's one more little thing: the non-astronaut staff have discovered the only thing NOT erased on the tapes,

and guess who's voice they hear? The Martian's. Well, I'm not sure if it's this particular Martian,

but they identify themselves as beings from Mars. And they point out that they were keeping the astronauts on Mars until they decided their fate. Ultimately, the Martians decided to release them and send this warning back to Earth with them. Basically, the Martians give a stern warning saying "Thanks for checking us out, now go away and never come back."

They say they have been watching Earth for hundreds of years and find humans too barbaric to interact with. Well! Fine, then! No tea and cookies for the Martians.

Things I learned from this movie: Nada. Bumpkiss. SFA. Well, no...actually I learned that the writers of "The Angry Red Planet" slept right through every last one of their science classes in high school. I also learned that just because a movie is bad doesn't mean it's not a good movie. Weird, right? Well, I majored in "Weird" in college. (Here's a photo from my graduation.)

With a minor in "Air Guitar". So, bring it!