"Robot Monster" -1953.

Tagline: "MOON MONSTERS LAUNCH ATTACK AGAINST EARTH!" Uhm, no...actually there's only one monster and he's from a planet far away, not the moon.

Let's just jump in, because this one is kind of tough to follow and might take a bit.

Plot: Stay with me, it's a bit murky at times. Johnny

is playing spaceman in the rocky desert area. Good spot for it. His sister, Carla, wants to play house like Johnny promised. They wander over to a nearby cave and find two men excavating part of the cave wall where someone painted on the wall long ago. The professor and Roy explain they are carefully removing it so the painting can be studied in a museum. Johnny remarks how it would be neat if his mom would get married again to a scientist, as his father died. Here's part of the murkiness: I'm not sure which female is Johnny's mother.

Anyway, Alice and "Mother" (His Mother? Her Mother? That's how she's listed in the credits) arrive to bring Johnny and his sister back to the picnic area.

Beautiful spot for a picnic. The rocks are so lovely this time of year. As promised, Johnny has his lunch and a nap. But it's a short nap. While everyone else is still sleeping,

 Johnny decides to go see his two new scientist friends. They seem to be gone.

Okay, now things get weird, so stay close. First, we see a lightning strike

and some strange electrical interference that makes the screen flicker from normal to negative and back again.

Johnny passes out and then a strange comet kind of a thing appears in the sky.

And then...utter pandemonium! Honestly, this is what really happens. And it lasts for about three minutes. First, we see lizards made up to look like dinosaurs

wrestle each other, then we cut to a scene obviously stolen from a completely different movie where Triceratops are battling,

then back to the lizards rolling each other around in the dirt.

I actually stopped my DVD and played it again from the beginning because I was sure I had a bad copy. "This things jumping around from movie to movie!" But no, it is supposed to show all that. Why?...I don't have an answer for you. Anyway, we abruptly return to the cave, where Johnny awakes

and finds now there are machines set up on rickety tables and a bubble machine is churning out bubbles like crazy. Oh my God! Johnny has found the secret hiding place of Lawrence Welk!

Well, t'ank yew, boys! Okay, I'm confused. But wait, Johnny gets up (wearing shorts instead of pants, now) and picks up a can of paint.

He goes to the cave painting and starts painting on it while the bubble machine whirrs merrily behind him....

at this point I was smelling my can of pop, certain that someone had put LSD in it. But, no, I was fine. Then there is more electrical disturbance

and Johnny runs to the mouth of the cave.

Why? Well, he's trying to avoid being seen by the gorilla wearing a diving helmet, of course!

Seriously, check the pop can again. To be fair, it's not a diving helmet, per se...it's a leftover space helmet from another movie, slapped on top of a guy in a gorilla suit.

At any rate, the monster goes to what looks like a polished metal mirror and turns some knobs. Pretty soon we see an image appear on the mirror (it's a "viewer", as it turns out) and we see this:

(which is also stolen from another movie) and then a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a diving helmet appears.

Allow me to clarify at this point, because I was pretty confused. While watching this part, we hear an authoritative voice speaking both in question form and in answer form. It is the exact same voice for both monsters. At first I didn't even realise there was a second monster, since the second one sounds like the first (same voice actor for both) and looks like the first (same physical actor). After a few minutes I realised Thing One was making a military-style report to Thing Two.

Okay, explanation over.  So, it turns out that both of these Things are called Ro-Man. It's supposed to be a clever hint at this alien being part of a collective. Instead it is confusing. Ro-Man One (he's actually called "Extension Ro-Man XJ2" by the Boss Ro-Man) has been sent to Earth to lay waste

to it's inhabitants and make way for colonisation by the Ro-Man...or Ro-Men....or Ro-People or whatever. Ro-Man (we'll just call the Ro-Man we see first "Ro-Man" for the sake of simplicity) brags to his Boss about how he had no trouble using his "cosmic ray" to annihilate cities and cause the humans to turn against each other, thinking enemy countries had done this. Ro-Man says the humans found out too late that it was he who had destroyed the world and by then the countries of the world had used H-bombs

to further destroy each other. Ro-Man then says all have been destroyed. Boss tells him to "re-calculate" (we get to hear that a lot) because there are eight survivors left on Earth. And they all just happen to be in the immediate vicinity of this cave. How convenient. Anyway, Ro-Man gets his orders, "Kill the remaining eight", and signs off. He then turns and fiddles with the bubble machine

and walks to the back of the cave. This prompts Johnny to enter the cave once again

and begin to follow Ro-Man. That only lasts until we see (and hear) the weird electrical discharge

 which causes Johnny to turn and run out of the cave.

Further explanation is required: it turns out the weird electrical discharge occurs whenever one of the survivors gets close to Ro-Man. It is somehow connected to Ro-Man and he can sense their presence. I'm not sure if the bubbles play a part in that. I think they were just slapping stuff together for the movie and someone said :"Hey! I know a guy with a bubble machine!" Let's get back to the story. Johnny runs down a hill towards a "compound" (it would be a house but we never see inside) where he is greeted by the professor from earlier.

He doesn't have his young helper from earlier, instead the professor and Alice and Mother are there with Johnny and his young sister.

Confused? I was. Actually, I still am. After a stern lecture from Mother about the dangers of being outside of the protective compound (it's protected by wires surging with electricity...

....how?....because the script said so) Johnny explains he was in Ro-Man's cave. This is where we find out Ro-Man can sense humans. I guess with his bubble machine, they never specify. Why did Johnny pass out and wake up in the same spot in the cave with different clothes on and awake with knowledge and memories of things like Ro-Man and the compound and why did the professor hook up with Mother? You are asking the wrong guy. Anyway, Johnny explains he was painting Ro-Man's picture on the cave wall "in case he did wipe out the human race there would be a record of how it happened". Well, no Johnny, actually there would be a child's drawing on the wall of a cave and since the human race would be gone, no one would see it. Good thinking though. I guess the walls of the compound didn't have the right texture. So, Ro-Man appears on a "view screen"

that the refugees have apparently scrounged and kindly offers the Swiss Family Moron a painless death. Awfully decent of him. To make his point, Ro-Man shows images of destroyed cities

and explains that a quick death after surrender is better. Uhm, okay. Ro-Man then announces he will "re-calculate" and destroy them. Meanwhile back at the cave, we see that Roy

(the professor's assistant) is indeed alive and poking around in Ro-Man's stuff. That's fine Roy, but don't break the bubble machine

because so far it's the best part of the movie. Soon Roy hears Ro-Man coming to the front of the cave

 and beats a hasty retreat to the mouth of the cave.

(Apparently Ro-Man relies extensively on his sensors, since Roy could almost spit on him.)

This gives Roy a bird's eye view as Ro-Man makes a long distance call to Melmac (not really the name of the planet) to ask for guidance from his boss,

who Ro-Man refers to as "Guidance". Not a lot of subtlety in this movie. Ro-Man is getting read the riot act by Guidance, though. Guidance points out that Ro-Man got his calculations wrong. There are eight survivors, not five as Ro-Man had said, and Guidance is unamused. Guidance gives Ro-Man "until the Earth revolves once more" to kill all eight or he will be "sentenced for failure". Guidance even shakes his fist at the view screen to show he means it. Ooooh...big man! Roy overhears all of this,

because Ro-Man and Guidance speak English of course, and heads off in the same direction Johnny had run earlier. Roy appears at the compound

and everyone but Alice is overjoyed to see him.

Apparently, and for no good reason at all, it is known that Alice and Roy have a history together. Weird, since they had just met before Alice and Johnny had their picnic. But, hey, this movie gets an A+ in "weird". So, fine, now they've known each other for a while and maybe fell in love or some crap like that. At any rate, Roy explains that there are two more survivors: Jason and Macleod. For some reason Macleod doesn't get a first name. Anyway, these two are also known to Alice and the professor because they were the professor's assistants.

Roy explains his theory: the professor had perfected a serum that would eradicate all traces of disease from humanity; everything from cancer to the common cold. Naturally with a breakthrough of this nature, the professor kept it quiet. (Sarcasm.) He did test the serum on himself, his right-hand man (Roy) his family (which is somehow supposed to include Alice, who is now his daughter, Mother, who is now his wife and the two kids) as well as inoculating his two assistants, who would be Jason and Mr. Macleod. Now, due to this serum being in the bloodstream of the surviving eight, they are protected from Ro-Man's cosmic ray....somehow. Okay....sure....why not. That's like getting a shot for polio that makes you bullet proof. Makes perfect sense. Anyway, Roy has been holed up with Jason and Macleod and they have hatched a plan. They have been gathering fuel for the rocket ship that is apparently close by and intend to fly up to the "space platform" where there is a "garrison", immunise them with the serum and attack Ro-Man. The following things about this plan are stupid: assistants probably can't fly rocket ships, why didn't Ro-Man know about the space platform, what will stop Ro-Man from blowing it up, and how will one garrison do what an entire planet couldn't, serum or no serum? Anyway, logic won't stop these twits! They do realise that there is a danger of the two assistants being shot down by the space platform as they fly towards it, though. Jason and Macleod are taking off in 24 hours, so there's no way to warn them and because Ro-Man hears all (or at least what's convenient for the plot) they can't warn the space platform. Unless!....Yes, by Jimminy that's so crazy it just might work! If they re-wire the viewer to use as a broadcaster. Cue close up footage of Roy and Alice's hands working on electronic junk.

Just for fun, let's have them question each other's qualifications while doing so. Ahh, romance! After what seemed like a very long time to me, Alice and Roy realise they have failed to build the broadcaster in time to warn Jason and Macleod.

Sad face! Especially for me, because I had to sit through ten minutes of soldering and whining for no reason. Cue Ro-Man,

who appears on the screen and announces he knows all bout Jason and Macleod and their little joy ride. Ro-Man shows them an image of the rocket

(which is travelling horizontally, for some reason) and announces that he was going to spare the space platform because he thought it would be convenient for his people but now he's blowing the whole darn thing up! Nice going, Alice!

Well, luckily the rocket and the space platform are really only poorly made models with sparklers on them. But Ro-Man blows them up anyway, the heartless fiend!

Hey! Somebody spent twenty minutes making that, Ro-Man! Well, I shouldn't say Ro-Man blows them up, his boss does. (Cue annoying flashing on screen.)

So, that's the end of Jason, Macleod and the entire space garrison. Now what? Well, he's destroyed the entire planet and killed billions, but has anyone tried to just talk to Ro-Man? No, really. That's what they decide to do. They decide to try and persuade Ro-Man to not kill them.

So Roy and Alice get back to soldering and touching each others hands in close-ups

while the audience gets up and goes to make a sandwich. Why do they have to fix the view screen again? Oh, I don't think it really matters at this point. It's just filler until Ro-Man comes back on the screen and makes threats. Soon Ro-Man is seen

fixing a cup of tea (probably not) in his cave when there's a ring at the viewer. Isn't that just the way? You've had a hard day at work, you go back to your cave and there's a ring at the viewer! Can I just get five minutes to myself, please?! But, no, it's the Swiss Family Moron again,

and this time they are appealing to Ro-Man's decency. And here's the crazy part: it starts to work! Just when I was sure this show couldn't get more ludicrous. Shows what I know. Yes, Ro-Man asks to see only Alice in his viewer

and then admits he has a strange feeling upon seeing her. He is unsure how to proceed. Ro-Man demands to see Alice alone at a meeting place somewhere between the two places. There does not seem to be a clear "deal" here. Ro-Man does not say he will spare the others if he can have Alice, but she insists on going anyway. The others forbid it and quite a tussle ensues,

culminating in Alice being tied up

and Johnny jumping the wall again.

Never mind Alice, somebody tie up that bloody kid! It takes a while, but they do notice Johnny is missing (again) and Alice is untied to help Roy find the little gaffer. Meanwhile Johnny has come upon Ro-Man

and asks him "what's your beef with us anyway?" Ro-Man spills the beans that his race knew about humans and were afraid they were evolving too quickly.

They decided to strike first. Then Ro-Man asks a question: "Why are you and the rest immune to my cosmic ray?" And Johnny tells him it's because of the serum.

Oops! Yeah, probably shouldn't have said that, Johnny. Now Ro-Man announces he has the information he needs to "recalculate" and destroy them! Johnny takes off to warn the others as Ro-Man shakes a hairy fist at him.

Take that, human! Ro-Man is about as scary as Old Man Jenkins that used to live on the corner. "You kids get off my lawn or I'll destroy you with my cosmic ray!" Meanwhile, Roy has removed his shirt

to better search for Johnny. (Alice keeps her shirt on....slacker.) They hear Ro-Man coming

and Roy scoops Alice up

and carries her to a ditch for safety. I guess that was quicker than just running with her. Meanwhile, Johnny has returned to the compound.

That's good, because while hiding from Ro-Man, Roy and Alice alternate between making out

 

and taking part in the worst mime ever committed on the screen

and have completely forgotten about him. It isn't long before Roy and Alice reappear at the compound all smiles and announce their engagement. Aww! See it's not the end of the world! Oh, wait, yes it is. But still, nothing perks up the apocalypse like a wedding!

Naturally, the professor marries them because he has no license to do so and is terrible at it.

And, naturally, since there is a Robot Monster trying to kill them, Roy and Alice leave the safety of the compound to enjoy their honeymoon in the dirt on the side of the road.

Who wouldn't? But the little girl who may or may not have a name chases after them to give Alice some flowers.

Aww...that's sweet. Too bad there's a guy in an ape suit looking to kill all of you. Ro-Man meets up with Girly and after a few pleasantries grabs her and walks off.

Shortly afterwards, we see Ro-Man report that he has strangled the girl with his hands.

Apparently, it never occurred to Ro-Man to just kill the humans with brute force, in spite of the fact that he is supposedly a large, muscular, simian-based life form. Now Ro-Man is on a tear and goes back along the road where he sees Roy kissing his girl, Alice! Not cool, Bro!

Plus he's pissed about not being invited to the wedding. Ro-Man begins strangling Roy

while Alice tries to hit Ro-Man with a decidedly Styrofoam-y rock.

It does no good at all, of course, (it's Styrofoam!) Ro-Man tosses Roy down what we are supposed to believe is a steep embankment,

grabs Alice by the tush

and carries her off. (Bet that wasn't in the script.) Ma and Pa Kettle are out looking for Carla (I guess her name's Carla) and find her dead by the side of the road.

This would have more impact if it were not for the child actor blinking while the other two deliver some of the worst drivel I've ever suffered through. Hard to get into the moment with obstacles like that. Anyway, they bring Carla back to the compound for burial. Ro-Man is trudging along with his newly stolen bride back to his cave. They stop briefly not only to deliver important dialogue but also to give Alice a chance to rest from all that (supposed) thrashing about.

Alice asks how Ro-Man is so strong (hopefully in a ploy to get information from him, but you can never tell with this movie) and Ro-Man lets slip that he obtains his energy from the planet Ro-Man through an "individual energiser". Ah-ha! Alice will now use this information to destroy Ro-Man, right? No, that's all we hear about it. Ro-Man takes Alice to his cave. That's it.

The professor has wasted no time burying Carla (hopefully they double-checked for a pulse)

and just as he finishes some deep speech about how they all have to live without her, Roy stumbles up. He admits losing his new wife to a guy in a gorilla suit and then promptly dies.

This inspires Johnny to come up with a plan to lure Ro-Man away and rescue Alice from his cave. Of course, the professor goes along with it. It's a plan cooked up by a ten year-old boy, what could go wrong?

But, back at the cave, Ro-Man is finding romance difficult and decides to rip Alice's top off instead. Luckily, her undergarments are still in place. Then, there's that bloody viewer again! Can't a monster get anything done around here? Ro-Man begins to use rope to tie up Alice

so he can answer his phone, but after a few seconds decides to punch her unconscious instead.

He gently puts her down (seems silly since he just knocked her out) and finds it's the professor on the viewer. The Doc and his "wife" say they want that quick and painless death they keep hearing about.

Ro-Man says "can do". Also, Alice is suddenly not unconscious and is also suddenly tied up.

Before Ro-Man can leave, he gets another call. The boss this time.

Why hasn't Ro-Man killed the girl? Ro-Man explains now he has feelings for the girl. Why can't feelings and wants be part of the great plan? The boss says Ro-Man is getting soft, like a human, and he had better get his little monkey butt in gear. Actually, he says do it or die. Ro-Man leaves the cave to meet the remaining survivors at some pre-determined point (he's not a very good negotiator). But Only Johnny is there. He is the bait while the professor and Mother rescue Alice.

Guidance is watching all of this on his viewer as well.

You would think he would give Ro-Man a heads-up.  Anyway, Ro-Man is pissed at being tricked at starts to strangle Johnny.

But Guidance says "time's up" and sends a cosmic ray Ro-Man's way.

Ro-Man falls down, dead.

But now Guidance decides to kill these last four by (somehow) sending dinosaurs forward in time to kill them. (Cue previously used footage of wrestling lizards and dinosaurs stolen from other movies).

And just for good measure Guidance causes huge earthquakes.

My goodness! Temper, temper! Well, obviously that's enough to kill the rest, right? No, because the next scene shows the woogly time effect

and then Roy The Assistant carrying Johnny Now Wearing Pants Again back to the cave. Oh! It was all a dream or a nightmare or something.

Whatever. I'm just glad it's over. Johnny displays a bump he got on his head

and all the players are alive and well and unmarried.

Yay. We are left with the group exiting the cave and then ominous music plays while Ro-Man emerges from the dark, arms outstretched,

THREE TIMES! Like, on a loop! What the hell? I guess it was supposed to be scary instead of moronic and sloppy.

Things I learned from this movie: 1- my theory that movies need to be bad but not boring has been proven true once again,

2- if it was all a dream, why did Johnny begin to experience the electrical disturbance before he passed out? Was he already dreaming, still sleeping over at the picnic area? If so, what's with him being carried and the bump on the head?, 3- this entire movie was shot in four days at a cost of $16,000. (Half of that for the bubble machine, I bet.)

It went on to gross over a million dollars,  4- Shirtless Roy, the professor's assistant and Alice's pretend husband, was an actor named George Nader.

George was a victim of circumstances in Hollywood as he was ousted as being gay far before it was fashionable to do so. Nader later said in an interview that he was a long time lover of Rock Hudson's

and when the press got wind of it, Nader was thrown to the wolves to keep the spotlight off of Hudson, who was worth much more to the studios, 5- director Phil Tucker was so upset at the overwhelmingly bad reviews for this film he reportedly attempted suicide, 6- the entire movie used no sets or inside shots of any kind, 7- the dinosaur footage was stolen from the movies "One Million B.C." and "Lost Continent",

8- the director took great pains to show that it was 4:30 p.m. at one point and I still have no idea why since it had no bearing on the plot or the circumstances at the time,

9- when the professor calls Ro-Man to make his fake deal he says "Do you scare us on your view screen?" instead of "Do you see us on your view screen?",  10- the film score was done by the immensely talented Elmer Bernstein, who (luckily) went on to score MUCH better films like "The Ten Commandments", "The Magnificent Seven" and, believe it or not Michael Jackson's "Thriller".

Guess That Mess! Here we go!

 

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