Bad Movies For Good People

"Attack Of The Crab Monsters" -1957.

Tagline: "From the depths of the sea...a tidal wave of terror!" Well, that's a butt-load of terror, I'll give you that.

Let's talk poster: Pretty accurate for the most part. However, there are no blonde women of any age on the island at any time. Other than that, I give this poster a solid B+.

Plot: A group of scientists

are flown to a remote island in the Pacific to investigate the disappearance of the previous group of scientists. Upon arrival, one of the sailors accompanying the scientists falls into the water from his boat and is immediately attacked

by a giant Crab Monster. We know that, the sailor used to know that (until his head was removed) but the rest don't know what happened. I would skeedaddle immediately after a perfectly healthy young man falls into the water and is removed seconds later sans noggin.

I don't care what's in the water, I'm leaving. TTFN. Anyway, the supposedly intelligent scientists stay. Always ready for anything, the team unloads crates of dynamite and hand grenades.

Now, I took a few science classes in high school and I don't remember Mr. Popp, my science teacher, ever hauling out the explosives. Just as well, considering his students. But this team of scientists have enough firepower to get Charlton Heston's Smile Of Approval.

The team encounters some abnormal seismic activity (a small earthquake/landslide)

and things kind of go downhill from there. (No pun intended). Namely, while waving

their plane away it explodes on takeoff,

leaving the group stranded for the foreseeable future. This of course is a bit of a setback, but they're scientists, dammit! Time to explore! Let's hop into that same ocean where a man was mysteriously decapitated. Good thinking. (By the way, in this photo the male scientist is obviously "busted").

Upon arriving on the beach, two things become obvious: 1- swimsuits in 1957 were seriously unflattering and 2- men were allowed to be hairy.

Martha and Dale (the two on the beach) are brought to a deep pit

that was a footpath to the beach only an hour before. Strange, if it was only moments before, there shouldn't be vegetation growing on the side of the chasm.

Oh well. Later that night, Martha finds herself unable to sleep,

what with the eerie voices of missing fellow scientists calling out to her and that second cup of coffee after supper. Naturally, she wanders off in the dead of the night and encounters this guy

who is also investigating after hearing the voice of a supposedly dead scientist. I'm sure This Guy has a name, but I've forgotten it and he's kind of a throw-away character anyway, so let's just call him This Guy. Since it's quarter to three or so, This Guy decides to tie a rope around his waist and do a bit of spelunking. (I prefer my death-defying acts in the daylight hours, myself). Martha keeps watch at the top of the chasm, but another rumble sends This Guy

falling to the bottom of the chasm and also throws Martha onto a conveniently placed tool, knocking her unconscious. The others take her back to the cabin to arrange a rescue party for This Guy.

That goes okay until another tremor sends a large rock crashing down onto Deveroux's hand, crushing it off at the wrist.

Being the big baby he is, the rescue attempt is called off and Deveroux is brought back and bandaged up. By now the scientists have stumbled onto the idea that something evil is afoot. (No, duh!) Luckily, they have these two to protect them. (Eesh!)

Playing cards and using dynamite for chips just might be the death of them! Oh, wait...never mind. The crabs will eat them instead.

By now the crabs have several personalities to choose from in their psychic repertoire. They decide to lure Deveroux out to the chasm using the disembodied voice of This Guy. Deveroux is quickly dispatched for his efforts.

The remaining scientists now realise how the disembodied voices are being heard: through objects made of metal.

Of course! Just your average radioactive, giant, intelligent, psychic mutant crabs that communicate using metal! How did I not see that? Well, knowledge is power. The remaining four find the guard's tent on the beach torn to bits and the dynamite missing.

It seems the crabs are going to use the explosives to further their shrinking of the island. Hopefully the crabs have Zippos or something, because I imagine trying to strike a match using gigantic claws must be a serious pain in the keester. This bit in the plot makes me wonder how the crabs were causing the tremors before they had dynamite. Hmmm...Error! Faulty! Faulty! Sterilise!

Unfortunately, Nomad wasn't around to "correct" the writers on this point, so on we go. The survivors take the battle to the crabs and manage to fire a few hand grenades at them.

However, the atomic mutations have also rendered the crabs impervious to brute force. (I get like that with Tequila.)

But, luck is on the side of the survivors and a stalactite falls from the roof of the cave and embeds itself in one of the crab's brains, killing it. They remove a claw from the dead crab to learn more and find a way to kill them.

They also discover one of the giant crabs is pregnant. (Hey, don't look at me.) So, no heavy lifting for her. This means potentially hundreds of giant, psychic man-eating crabs running amok and ruining the beach for everyone, not just the tourists. Luckily, Hank

(The Professor, again) has discovered that an electric current passed through the crabs will vaporise them.

Now, if we can just whip up an electric death ray we can...

Whoa! That was quick! I bet The Professor wishes he had one of these babies on The Island! "Step over here, Gilligan."

BBBZZZZ!! And three days later everyone else is back in Hawaii. Again, I digress. Now to plant these little Space Heaters Of Death.

A pressure plate must be triggered before the electric current can kill the crab. That's fine as long as no one steps on the....Oh, for Pete's sake!

Well, so much for that idea. And then there were three.

The tremors continue as the remaining three try to get the radio working to signal for help.

But soon the roof begins to collapse and they are forced to run for their lives.

Very little of the island remains now.

Desperately, Hank throws his last few grenades at the remaining crab,

only to wound himself.

Now Hank knows they are all doomed, unless...

Hank climbs the signal tower and breaks it free from it's moorings, sending it crashing onto the giant crab and causing a huge surge in electricity

to vaporise the crab and himself. Dale and Martha

are left alive on the tiny patch of land to be (we assume) rescued. The end.

Things I learned from this movie: 1- forget the cholesterol....crabs are just plain deadly!,