"The Horrors Of Spider Island" -1962.

Tagline: "One bite from a giant spider turned him into THE WORLD'S MOST HIDEOUS MONSTER with a diabolical need to KILL!" Yes, but only his hands and face are monstrous. I mean, he continues to wear trousers throughout the movie. How many crazed monsters have you heard of running amok in Dockers?

Plot (such as it is): A bevy of dancing beauties on their way to Singapore (we assume to dance, no one ever says) are stranded in a life raft after their plane catches fire and plunges into the ocean. Naturally, everyone is unharmed and has time to inflate a life raft and find some fresh water. Only the crew is killed on impact. The partially clothed lovelies and their entertainment producer find an island after four days in the raft and come ashore. They find a cabin with a dead man caught in a huge spider web

("That's peculiar") but have no choice but to stay. Days turn into weeks and then Gary (the producer) is attacked by an arachnid that's been pumping iron.

He immediately turns into the fore-mentioned Docker wearing spider/man (not Spider-Man) and goes about strangling the girls, as spiders apparently strangle their food in the wild. *sigh*. All is not lost, though, as the professor (that's him in the web) has two colleagues who return with provisions and discover the ladies. Will they rescue them or will they merely be fodder for the monster?.....meh, who cares? Onwards!

You have never heard of any of these actors, unless you are a fan of Yugoslavian cinema. That's right, originally, this little gem was a collaboration between Germany and Yugoslavia. It had such up-and-coming young stars as Harald Maresch as Joe, Helga Neuner as Ann and Barbara Valentine as Babs.....hey, how'd she get in there?

Valentine was born in Austria but obviously changed her name. She was briefly married to the actor who played Detective Taggart in the Beverly Hills Cop movies, John Ashton. Valentine also took up the torch to bring awareness to the AIDS epidemic in the 80's, and was close with Freddie Mercury during his ultimately futile struggle with the disease. On a seperate note, she strikes a passing resemblance to a young lady I know here.

This movie is the only one I have reviewed so far that was released under three different titles. Originally, in German, it was "Ein Toter hing im Netz"...."Body in the Web" for the english-speaking audience, after some really bad dubbing, and then it became an "adults only" movie in the USA under the title "It's Hot In Paradise". Now, if it wasn't for the "adults only" category, I would be inclined to believe (by the title only) that I was going to see a Bing Crosby/Bob Hope comedy. Comedy, yes, but not intentional. Then, evetually, "Horrors of Spider Island".

This movie is spectactularly bad on so many levels that I couldn't help but fall in love with it. My God, it's just awful! In a terrific way! The dubbed dialouge is laughable, the writing is hilarious, the directing is moronic and the girls whip off their clothing with no provocation whatsoever. Now who couldn't love a B-movie like that? Here's an example: their plane catches fire

and spirals into the ocean with an enormous explosion and debris flying everywhere,

but everyone is alive and unhurt in their fully inflated life raft moments later, carefully rationing water they somehow procured.....I'll give you a moment to absorb that....yes, well....

Let's move on to

Things I learned from this movie: 1- "No Smoking" signs actually did exsist in 1962, everyone just ignored them,

2- if you want to look at a pretty girl's legs, just ask and she will oblige,

3- the "schlurp" sound that's dubbed in when Gary finds drinkable water is HYSTERICAL!, 4- yeah, it's THAT kind of movie,

4- entertainment executives have extensive knowledge concerning mining equipment; upon finding a tool in the grass, quote: "A hammer with a long handle. It must be for the purpose of excavating some sort of metal. Most probably Uranium." well, DUH!,

5- check out that ultra realistic looking spider web....hey, is that rope?, 6- 22 minutes in and I'm pretty sure that large spider is flipping me off,

7- look out for the!...oh, never mind...at least if it kills you you'll stop acting,

8- "accidental" boob touch at 34 minutes,

9- just because you're stranded on a deserted island with a homicidal monster and dwindling food supplies there is no reason not to laugh and frolic naked in the ocean,

10- a blood-curdling scream and then:"That sounded like Gladys"...really, you can tell the girls apart by their screams of terror?....I think you've been on this island too long,

11- overly-long half-naked cat-fight at 36 minutes,

12- hilariously bad "attack" right after the cat-fight...seriously, I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my ample cheeks, it makes the whole movie worth it, 13- how do you get rid of a super-strong monster on an island filled with women?...have him commit suicide in quicksand, 14- with enough nearly naked women, there is no need for a plot...or acting...or direction...or decent special effects...

 Bonus Facts: several of the men make reference to the "revolver" they find, but it is clearly an automatic pistol....towards the end you even see one of them check the clip. Revolvers have a cylinder that "revolves", hence the name, you silly Yugoslavians!
At 28 minutes in, you will be witness to the most unconvincing slap in the history of film.
If the spider/man (NOT the "Spider-Man"!....I don't want Stan Lee coming all the way to Canada just to kick my fat ass!) strangles people, why are there two bloody bite marks on each victim?
While we're at it, why does he kill them and leave? Isn't he part animal now? What does he eat? There are no other animals on this island (apparently there was only one large spider and he shot it after being bitten) so why wouldn't he dine on the lovely ladies after dispatching them?
In a lot of these movies, two Alpha males will beat the tar out of each other and then laugh it off. I have been in a few fist fights and I have never once slapped my combatant on the back afterwards and had a good chuckle. Mind you, one time we were arrested afterwards, so kind of hard to slap someone on the back in handcuffs.

In summary, rather than a rating, I would like to suggest a new title (that would make four): "Half-Naked Bimbo Island That Occasionally Has Good-Sized Spiders" Waddaya think?