"Voyage To The Prehistoric Planet" -1965.

First, let me say I couldn't find an actual movie poster for this film. Probably a sign of how unimpressed the world in general was upon being presented with it.

This DVD cover and an earlier one were all I could find.

And now a little back story. I was a bit confused when I began watching this movie for several reasons. One was dealing with the shock of seeing Basil Rathbone acting in a film of this nature. Rathbone cemented his spot in cinema as Sherlock Holmes.

And before that he is equally famous for playing villains in a variety of silver screen juggernauts such as "Captain Blood", "The Mark Of Zorro" and "The Adventures Of Robin Hood".

Rathbone was 71 when he filmed his part in this,

and had no intentions of wielding a sword or swashing any buckles. He died two years after this, and I am happy to see he has not been remembered for this film.
Now, other things that confused me were thus: I mistook this actor

for the actor Paul Birch, of films such as "Not Of This Earth"

and "The Day The World Ended".  Not so, this gentleman's name will be revealed soon. I also had a sense that I recognised this actor

from something else as well. I eventually settled on his similarity (to me at the time anyway) to a young Lee Marvin.

Not a huge stretch, but I assumed that even in 1965 Lee Marvin was doing much better than this. Which brings me to confusion number three: the two actors mentioned on the DVD cover, Basil Rathbone and Faith Domergue (from "This Island Earth"), are strangely removed from the action. In fact, after a while I realised they didn't interact with each other (or the other actors) at all except over a radio.

That was explained when I discovered this film is an English language version of a Sci-Fi film made in the Soviet Union two years before called "Planeta Bur" ("Planet Of Storms").

The director simply hired the two biggest names he could afford and plunked them down in the middle of the other film, gabbing with each other and occasionally pretending to gab with the Russian actors from the original film. Now, the actors names: the one I mistook for Paul Birch was Vladimir Yemelyanov. The actor I thought reminded me of Marvin was Georgiy Zhzhonov. Yeah, I was pretty sure you had never heard of them. Not that we have that settled, we can move forward.

Plot: It is the year 2020. The moon has been colonised

(I'm not sure why we see shots that are neither the moon nor the ships in question at the beginning...ask them) and now man is looking to tread on Venus for the first time.

Three space ships have made it most of the way to the planet. Suddenly, a "meteorite"

(again, take the inaccuracy up with them) destroys one of the ships, the Capella. :(

This sends an alert to the moon base. Cue Basil Rathbone.

This tragic news elicits a decidedly un-Basil Rathbone-y "Damn it." No exclamation point, because he said it like he was reading about the Dodger's game. Poor Basil, you should have fired your agent in 1964. Anyway, back on the Sirius space ship

the crew is digesting the news of their comrades deaths. Now we get to see who is better at voice-overs. And the winner is:

Vlad! But his character is named Lockhart. He is the skipper of this ship. The other two are

Hans, the troublemaker, and

Andre, the impatient and curious one. Andre is also the definite loser in the voice over competition. The names are the only backup to show this is, as stated previously in the movie, an international mission,. You won't see any colour other than white, sorry. It's whiter than a Republican convention in there. Andre carries on for a while about how strange it is that the people on the Capella are dead. Yes, Andre...we all took it hard.

Luckily, Basil Rathbone...er, I mean Professor Hartman, has a heartfelt message to put us all at ease: "Suck it up, Buttercup! Get back to work!"....more or less. Hartman says to stick to the plan and remain in orbit around Venus until a replacement ship arrives from the moon. Apparently, there is an inexhaustible supply of everything on these ships, so there's no hurry. Andre and the rest agree to appeal to Hartman to land on Venus instead of waiting. This view is echoed on the third ship, the Vega.

(Note Cyrillic letters on the cone of the ship). On the Vega we are introduced to Kern, in an extreme close-up. In my mind, it seems like the director was trying to give Kern a sinister look.

It worked, but as the movie progresses he does not live up to his fiendishness. Sorry. Kern is speaking in a low monotone. As though trying to wake a man from a deep slumber, Kern croons to John, the robot,

to "awake and assess". John does so and is rewarded with a barrage of questions. Compute a landing pattern for Venus for both remaining ships. How can it be done? Compute! (Sheesh! Dude just woke up! Re-lax, man!) Anyway, John tells them Marsha should stay behind in orbit while Kern, the robot and Kern's buddy, Jimmy Kimmel

....er, I mean Sherman,

go in one ship and Andre, Hans and Lockhart go in the other. (They needed a robot for that?)Somehow, Professor Hartman okays all this. His only real concern: Martha's

psychological ability to stay alone in the ship for that long. But after a brief (and I do mean brief) look at her psych evaluation,

we are good to go. That's good, because in the original movie they were going anyway, and you would have to re-shoot a bunch of scenes if that fell through. Word comes to Lockhart and his crew that they are go for launch...or "land", or something. They seem as pleased as Soviets in the 1960's can be.

After a brief shot of what we are supposed to assume is Venus as seen from orbit,

the landing thingy commences. Everyone gazes intently at a variety of instruments,

each one trying to out-angst the other. My money goes to Andre. He really does "tense" well. Especially since he is probably looking through a machine used to test your eyes. "Better here....or here?....One....and two....and one again....and now two." Anyway, the landing ship heads off with Kern, Sherman and John The Robot. All goes pretty well until contact is lost after what sounds like a horrific crash.

But I'm sure they're fine. The effects department paid a bundle for that robot, there's no way they're dead yet. A decision is made that the remaining three

(not counting Martha) should land and seek out the first two and their little robot buddy. Professor Hartman makes it clear they should feel free to not go in search of the others.

Well, that's awfully decent of him. But, with a quick speech that skirts around the word "motherland" but still makes me want to wear red,

Lockhart announces to Hartman and Marsha and any other comrade who cares to listen that he and his crew will carry on...because it's the right thing to do, by golly! Now I have a craving for borscht and vodka. Not in that order. Anyway, the crew settles in

and after some poorly-shot (so bad my camera couldn't tell what it was) scenes of the rocket coming in for a landing, we get to see more Cyrillic writing

as the ship touches down on Venus. Alright, already! Make with the movie! Andre has a peek around the landing site using his handy-dandy remote camera

 

and astutely notices "weird-looking rocks". No tea and cookies for you, Andre. Now go to your corner and think about what you've done! Oh, right....rocket...no corners. Never mind, then. They flip on the "outside sound pick-up" and are treated to a strange noise that elicits this reaction from Hans:

 

Never a good look in a B-movie or a horror movie. In both cases it can only mean bad news. The crew hears what almost sounds like a female singing. Or, at least that's what it was supposed to sound like. Kind of melodic, but grating, at least to me. I felt like someone nearby had flipped their TV over to American Idol. Anyway, the "singing" doesn't last long. After a short contemplation, the skipper decides to suit up and go have a look around outside.

 

Now, at this point in the proceedings, I would like to point out something I noticed about the space suits used for this movie. (And I'm not the only one who noticed this, oddly enough.) Take a look at these space suits (1965)

and now have a look at the space suits used in "Prometheus" (2012).

Eerily similar, no? Now, another person on the website "Shadowlocked.com" noticed the same thing

and posted their theory on Ridley Scott helping himself to unknown sci-fi "treasures". I don't know if I would go that far (because my lawyer is a bit of a woosy) but I'm willing to bet Mr. Scott saw "Planeta Bura" at some point in his youth and perhaps those images stuck with him. At any rate, you draw your own conclusions and hire your own lawyers.

Anyway, the investigation on the surface of Venus commences. I admired the writers for their ability to hold back and have the astronauts carefully judging the ground

 

rather than the typical B-movie free-for-all-last-one-on-the-surface-is-a-rotten-egg approach to exploring. My father climbed mountains for many years and this is pretty close to how you ascend a slope. Those who hurry are often greeted with snow that gives way or worse. That being said, Hans does feel the need to stick his hand in a Mystery Puddle.

 

Why do people in B-movies feel the need to insert their hands into every damn thing they encounter? It's like the people who hear a noise in horror movies and then, peering into the dark, feel the need to whisper "Hello?'. Like the killer is going to respond to them.

 

"Yeah, I'm just in the kitchen. Did you eat all the KFC?" No, in fact that person almost always is the next to be dunked head-first into a tree shredder. And good riddance. The same thing in B-movies. If you walked into an unknown laboratory and saw various liquids sitting in various puddles, I bet you wouldn't feel the need to dunk your hand in to see what each liquid is. Why? Because your hand might disintegrate or a brain-noshing parasite might make a home in your noodle. This is a sore spot with me. Use your head, B-movie people. C'mon!
Anyway, after a quick safety meeting about always staying in sight and using the rope, Andre immediately goes out of sight.

And is greeted by tentacles.

Luckily, he at least kept his rope attached and after a few moments his comrades realise he is in distress and come to his rescue.

It seems Andre has found a carnivorous plant.

Huh! Go figure. On Venus. The plant loses a tentacle or two as the astronauts free their moronic friend then the plant puts up it's protective outer shell

and calls it a day. Better luck next time, plant. This near death experience doesn't seem to bother Andre and he shakes it off easily and carries on.

I wish I could recover from trauma that easily. I saw a spider at work the other day and I still won't go in the coffee room alone. And it didn't even try to eat me.

Meanwhile, the first group of explorers are shown to be alive, if not well. Kern is putting John The Robot back together

while Sherman fires his gun

at several mini-Godzillas that are swarming around them.

 

It's a bit hard to tell from the strange camera angles, but it seems he manages to kill a couple and scare off the rest. Kern gets John reassembled

and sends him to work. They attach one end of a cable to their downed ship

and the other end to John

 and send him across a (I guess) dangerous chasm. John then winds the cable tightly, ensuring safe passage. Plus, it looked really cool.
Meanwhile, somewhere nearby-ish, the search party is more "search" and less "party". They even break out their 1965 Venus Land Cruiser.

 

Now, since we're talking about possible copyright infringement, let me make no comment and instead post this:

Disney owns all these images and every other image everywhere of anything ever and I deeply apologise for using their copyrighted images because I can't afford to be sued and I'm just too pretty for jail. Besides, I love George Lucas like a father who has no idea he has a son.
Anyway, the search party

still take time to stop and smell the dinosaurs on their journey.

After all, just because there are lives in danger there is no need to pass up an opportunity for science.
So, yes, Andre gets a blood sample from the tail of the Venusian dinosaur and they all have a good giggle about how the creature took no notice of him.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sherman and Kern are still battling against death.

You don't see these guys stopping to jaw with the locals or take pictures with the local pets, do you? To be clear, I am not clear on what is causing their illnesses. Sherman is weak and blames the scratches he received battling the mini-Godzillas, but Kern also falls ill, and blames it on low oxygen. And yet later on they both remove their helmets. ????....I dunno. Whatever, they're sick....good enough.

On the other end of town, our "rescue party" is still taking it all in as they "rush" to the rescue.

These guys should get a job in the Canadian Health Care system. (By the way, American readers, it may cost less, but you get what you pay for. Typical wait time in emergency in Canada is rated at 4 hours and 1 in 10 wait 8 hours or more. [Huffington Post] And when I tore the ligaments in my knee last year my doctor chided me for not "holding still" so she could "properly" examine me. I went home and Googled it. Typical wait time for Google: .0001 seconds.)

But, I digress (again). Our fearless rescuers stop and have a deep, philosophical chat

about what the singing might be and what "life" might look like on Venus. El Capitain points out that life is very diverse, even on Earth and possibly these beings are hiding from them. All this long haired hippie talk doesn't stop them from ribbing their friend about how he's in love with the mystery singer. Oh, those silly astronauts!

Oh, that's right, people are dying. My bad. Kern, Sherman and John have found a cave

near a waterfall. Very picturesque, except John has to be careful not to fry his circuits.

Apparently, Kern was so busy making John nigh on indestructible he neglected to give him the 3M waterproof coating ($9.99 plus tax, but really worth it.) Kern collapses inside the cave

next to a now unconscious Sherman and orders John to continue to broadcast to the others so that they may be found. Then he, too, slips into unconsciousness. John gets busy sending signals.

And Whatsername makes an appearance just to prove she's in the movie for a reason.

She receives John's signals and relays the coordinates to our intrepid threesome.

Hurrah! Well, surely the computers couldn't have done that by themselves! Money well spent! In the meantime, Whatsername communicates with John

and tells him he has to help save the lives of Kern and Sherman. She tells John to put a tablet

into Kern's mouth and give him water.

 

John takes this a bit literally and pours the water all over Kern's face and then closes his visor. Well, better too much than not enough, I guess. Back at the rescue ship,

things are getting weird. You know how it is: you're sailing along on the sea of a distant planet, minding your own business, when suddenly a red-eyed flying dinosaur attacks you!

We've all been there and I don't have to tell you it's embarrassing for everyone. But these guys aren't going to take this lying down! (Or would that be "laying down?") Either way, they are standing up and also not taking it! Luckily, this little baby just happens to come equipped with a laser gun!

Have at you! But what do you do if your laser gun has no effect on winged monsters? Plan B! You pull the plug

on the bottom of your boat/cruiser thingy and sink out of sight!

GENIUS! Except now Whatsername can't see you on the radar and thinks you're dead.

Ah, well. That's her problem. She should have thought of that before she was tacked on as a secondary character with no value to the film whatsoever.

I can hear the director now: "Yes, Ms. Domergue, we need you to lounge over here and read a book. That will further the plot nicely." *sigh*, whatever.
Once again, the rescue party is in such a hurry to find their comrades that they take the time, while underwater hiding from the birdie, to saunter around and have a little boo at any old thing.

And, of course, having nearly been eaten by a giant plant earlier, Andre is the one investigating underwater as well.

I found myself hoping something would chomp off Andre's noggin at this moment, just to teach him a lesson, but no such luck.

Mind the mustachioed octopus, please. Hmmm...reminds me of someone.

Nope. Gone, sorry. Anyway, Andre finds a statue

depicting a creature not unlike the one they recently ran away from like scared little girls. Leaping hypothetically, the rescuers (who still haven't actually rescued anyone) arrive at the conclusion that Venus once had intelligent beings and that one of these beings is making those weird-ass noises they keep hearing. Sure, why not?
Meanwhile, the rescuees are feeling much better, thank you, and are tired of waiting for their schmuck friends to come get them. So they wire up John again

and use his tremendous strength to pull down a large Venusian tree

so that they may clamber across it and to safety!

Well, yes and no.

Now they wander too close to an erupting volcano and soon find themselves trapped all around by flowing magma!

It's too bad they didn't have a robot or something to warn them of these dangers ahead of time.

John? Any...uhm, comments?...No? Well then, into the magma with you, you over-priced hunk of Reynold's Wrap! No, but seriously, Kern and Sherman hop up onto John's oh-so comfortable shoulders

and hang on for dear life as he wades through the steaming red gelatin...I mean magma.

It's all going to plan until John's programming kicks in. You see: John will serve humans and help them but if he detects that he may be suffering irreversible damage, he is programmed to save his own shiny metal ass! Which he tries to do by grabbing Sherman's legs

 

and attempting to fling him off like particularly sticky booger.

Luckily, the rescuers (finally!) find them and hover their Space Jeep (Tm)

close enough for an actual real rescue! This, unfortunately, leaves John to shut down and fall over in the magma,

eliciting a "near-tear" from Kern.

"Near-tear" is when a particularly mean or macho man is moved emotionally. Examples are:
Spock dying

Mel Gibson almost doing the world a favour

That time Arnold Schwarzenegger got an ice cream headache

And the one and only time Chuck Norris cried.

Okay, he didn't cry out of his eyes, he cried out of his arms. And it wasn't tears, it was sweat. But that's as close to tears as Chuck gets. Let's not forget:

But I digress, as usual. For reasons unknown, after the rescue they stop by the shore before heading back to the undamaged ship to return to their main ship. This gives everyone a chance to gab and for Hans to brag about his triplets.

Can this wait until we are no longer in mortal danger, Hans? I don't mean to be rude, but....
It also gives time for Hans to play a prank on his xenophobic pal.

Hmmm....again with the eerie similarity to a Ridley Scott film.

Coincidence, I'm sure. Now go buy a Ridley Scott film on Bluray so I don't get sued.
Anyway, let's wrap this up. It starts to rain buckets,

once they get a bit closer to the rescue ship,

and it isn't long before this causes a flash flood, which causes the ground to give way,

which causes the rocket to no longer be level.

This moves the launch timetable up (as it should be) and the captain urges everyone to get their collective butts onto the ship for takeoff.

But there's some sort of problem with the Left-Handed Doohickey!

Oh no! Can't take off until that's fixed! (Honestly, I can't remember what the hell the problem was...there was some sort of problem that was needed in the plot). Anyway, Hans needs to open a door or something and it's stuck, so he grabs a fossil from his bag

and uses it as a hammer. It works, but before he clambers up the ladder to the ship, he notices a face in the rock he used as a hammer.

It's another alien artifact, but this one is humanoid!

Gadzooks! "Stop the launch!"says Hans, but the captain isn't eager to stay and have tea and cookies with the aliens. (Spoilsport!) He grabs Hans in an unfriendly way and hauls him aboard,

with Hans protesting the whole time. The launch commences

and we (the audience) are left on the surface of Venus, looking into a puddle. The eerie "singing" is heard again and we see a figure slowly come into focus in the reflection from the puddle.

Cue the "oohs" and "aahs". The end.

Things I learned from this movie: 1- there's no such thing as an original idea,

2- you can hover three feet away from liquid rock (approximately 1,100 degrees Fahrenheit) and be perfectly comfortable,

3- Faith Domergue didn't give a rat's ass about this movie,

4- flying dinosaurs from Venus aren't as easy to kill as you might think,

5- "What do you mean, you drank all the Tang?",

6- some shows are more interesting than others,

7- the soup on Venus is terrible,

and 8- in Soviet Russia, robots program you!

Guess That Mess! Here we go!

If you picked the photo of the old guy about to get his arm slurped off by The Blob, you win! A gentle reminder to Hollywood (and Russia, apparently) to keep their damned hands out of unknown liquids! Do you people not watch horror movies or what?