Tarantula! -1955.

Tagline: "Giant spider strikes! ...Crawling terror 100 feet high!" It's only 100 feet high sometimes. Apparently, the special effects team had some trouble with that.

Let's talk poster: Those two people front and centre are not John Agar and Mara Corday. Maybe they're supposed to be them. I have no clue who they are. I assume friends or relatives of the person who painted the poster. (Yes, they painted posters back then...like with a paintbrush!) The spider eats exactly zero women throughout the entire movie, so I also have no idea who the lady in the dress in the spider's "mouth" is. Plus, the spider in the poster looks nothing like the spider used in the movie, the spider never enters the town, and there is no fire in town. So, I reward this poster a D- and send it to it's room to think about what it's done. No cookies for you!

 Plot: Scratch that. These days, I think I should refer to this as "Story", since I tell you absolutely everything. So:

Story: In the opening shot, we see a man staggering through the desert.

After a few seconds, we can see he has pyjamas on and he is obviously not well. And he has a pillow under his shirt.

He falls to the ground,

stands back up, staggers a bit more and collapses again; this time for good. We see his hand clutch at the sand

and then cease. He is dead. Cue the opening credits!

 Now here's a little bone I have to pick with Universal: In the poster and any other printed reference to this movie, it is known as "Tarantula!" with an exclamation point. As you can see, there is none in opening credits. Make up your damned minds!
Anyway, next we see a small air plane coming in for a landing

in what we assume is the same desert. Well, I assumed it because it's a B movie and they couldn't afford to shoot on location in two different deserts. The pilot exits and makes small talk with the airport "security guard".

After the quick chat we understand he is a doctor, flying to patients in the desert as needed. He puts his bag in his 1955 Oldsmobile Gigantica (Tm)

and drives into town.

Well, it's actually the Universal studios back lot, with an inserted photo of Arizona, but whatever.
Our doctor makes his way inside and talks to Josh, the hotel manager,

and finds the sheriff has been calling for him. Strange, he didn't get his text....oh, wait...it's 1955. Hang on, I'll need to ring the operator and then patch it through to you in your office.

We see from the name on the door that our pilot/doctor is Matthew Hastings. That's a good, solid name: Matt. I wish I was named Matt. Or Steve, or Dirk or Mike or Jim or Manny or anything but Daran. You see? Even as I type this, the computer is telling me "Daran" isn't a word!*grumble*...anyway,
We see Sheriff Andrews

on the other end of the blower and he's a-plum fired up about sumpin'! Hey! That's Nestor Paiva again! I hope there aren't any tunnels for him to run down in a sweaty panic, like he kept doing in "The Mole People". Fear not. Sheriff Andrews is as cool as a cucumber

and as American as apple pie!....with a glass of Portuguese wine on the side. He wants Doc (Matt) to meet him at the funeral parlour.

Matt's not thrilled with the idea. He's been up all night delivering those twins, don'tcha know! But he agrees and points out to Josh on the way out that he knows Josh is listening in on his calls.

Josh gives Matt his best "I-have-no-idea-what-you-mean" look as Matt heads out. Upon arrival, the sheriff tells Matt they found a body that might be Eric Jacobs.

What do you mean "might", asks Doctor Matt Hastings (geez, that's a good name) and Sheriff Andrews (funny, he doesn't look Scottish) leads Matt over to see "the undertaker".

Umm, no sorry. "undertaker"...with a small u. Matt has a peek and can't say for sure if it's Eric or not. He remarks Eric looks like he's had "the disease" for years. That's okay, because here comes Eric's friend and cohort, Professor Deemer

to identify the body. It takes Deemer no time at all to positively identify Eric.

A bit weird, considering Eric looked like an extra from "Quest For Fire" when they found him.

Whatever. Professor Deemer does confirm Matt's previous diagnosis of acromegaly. Impossible, Matt says. This disease takes years to get to this stage. Sheriff Andrews saw Eric last month and he was fine. Matt then plays teacher to the sheriff, explaining that acromegaly is a disease that attacks the pituitary gland exaggerating and distorting the facial features.

SIDE NOTE! People you may know of with the disease include Ted Cassidy (Lurch),

Richard Kiel (Jaws),

and both Andre The Giant

and The Great Khali

of WWE fame. Obviously, enormous size is also a side effect. Check out this real photo of Andre The Giant holding a regular sized beer can.

True story: I went for a job interview in Montreal one time about twenty-five years ago. While there, I happened upon a bar called the "Blue Angel" and spoke with the owner's son. He told me back when Andre was still living there, he would have to turn sideways and duck to get in the door to the bar. He then would match his friends, beer for beer. They would have a mug, and he would drink a pitcher! Anyway, I'm so far off topic I'll need a compass to get back.

Professor Deemer seems strangely unsurprised at his friend's state upon death and Matt says so.

Well, you see, Deemer knew Eric had acromegaly but it wasn't until four days ago that he began to complain of muscle pain. Then he "began to change". Matt still doesn't buy it. Why was Eric found in the desert? Deemer says he became delirious, broke out of his house and ran into the desert.

Matt still doesn't understand how acromegaly could become full-blown in four days. What about an autopsy? No, Deemer says. Hmmmm....
Deemer excuses himself and heads back to his house.

Not a bad little shack. Inside, we see Professor Deemer don his apron (with a short-sleeved shirt)

and gather some mystery fluid into a syringe from a protective box (now he has long sleeves)

He then turns to begin his work (now wearing short sleeves again)

We see Deemer go to several cages in the back of the room.

Okay, hang on here a minute! I can handle short/long/short again sleeves, but I something is off here! Deemer picks up a clip board

and reads the information on his ever-so-slightly larger than usual rat. We see the rat is only 6 days old. Now, I've never raised rats, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to be the size of an overfed dachshund at six days old. Call it a hunch.

Next he checks on the guinea pig.

It's thirteen days old and clearly on the way to doing it's own Jenny Craig commercial.

And then we have a nice, normal sized tarantula

in a glass cage. Well, thank goodness you weren't crazy enough to....

GAHHH!!!! Holy Hell, man! What were you thinking? Didn't you see the guinea pig? That thing must slurp down a bucket of crickets at a time!....And then he goes over to a cage and fetches out a monkey!

Didn't you see "Mighty Joe Young"?....spoiler alert: it didn't end well, you twit! Put that monkey back! Well, he's not listening. People in movies almost never listen to me, no matter how loud I yell at the television. Obviously, they need their hearing tested. Anyway, as Deemer prepares to inject the monkey with our mysterious (and obviously dangerous) fluid, we see a deformed hand

come around the corner. Soon, the hand is joined by a deformed face.

Hopefully belonging to one person. Well, we know that isn't Eric. So, who is it? Whoever it is, they don't like Deemer and show it by unfriending him of Facebook. Oh, right....1955. No, they attack him!

This, plus the threat of being unfriended, elicits Deemer to shout "Paul! No!". Well, we have a name now. That's good.
In the melee Paul grabs a stool and tries to bash Professor Deemer in the noodle with it.

Instead, Paul misses and smashes the glass to the giant tarantula cage. Paul, we need to have a talk about your anger issues. Now look!

You're lack of discretion has enabled the arachnid to take leave of the premises! ("Whaa??") The spider's getting away! Quick! Someone get a 55 gallon drum of Raid! But, unfortunately, Deemer and Paul are busy throwing beakers of fluids

into sensitive electronic equipment,

thereby causing sparks,

which in turn cause a very convenient fire.

Deemer eventually gets knocked out by Paul

and neither one sees the Uber Spider boogie on down the road.

Typical spider! Just leaves in the middle of a fight! Can't count on spiders for anything, I tell you! It didn't even stop to say thanks for the gigantic size! Nope! Just out the door with not so much as a "by your leave"!

Anyway, while Deemer is unconscious, Paul uses his last few moments on this mortal coil to shoot the good professor full of his own concoction!

Then, having met his contractual obligation for this film, Paul staggers over and collapses,

deader than Caesar's ghost!

Well, so far the plot is progressing nicely! We have established a mad professor experimenting on spiders with growth stuff, that same spider has escaped thanks to haphazard furniture and a monster has started a fire to destroy all of the other animals being experimented on! I would say we are primed for a giant spider film! Let's continue, shall we?

Deemer comes around in time to notice one of the stage hands is very nearly setting his hair on fire

and runs for a fire extinguisher.

So, you have the common sense to have a fire extinguisher but not to realise shooting growth serum into a tarantula is a bad idea? Priority check! Now that the fire is out we see the cages are twisted but empty.

I'm not too sure if we are supposed to assume the giant skeletons are there somewhere and Deemer gets rid of them or what. I guess giant guinea pig skeletons weren't easy to come by in 1955....unlike today. Anyway, Deemer makes his way to the phone and briefly considers calling someone.

(The sheriff?...his lawyer?...Ghostbusters?) He decides against it and goes back to Paul's body. We cut to the next scene: Deemer is in the desert, we are to assume relatively close by, and he is putting the finishing touches on a shallow grave.

It's unclear if Paul's corpse is alone in there or not. Deemer gets into his work, brushing away his own footprints as he backs away.

However, he fails to see the gingerbread man about to attack! Oh, wait....

Nope....I am in error. It's a stage hand throwing monkeys.

You see? That's why jobs were more plentiful in the 1950's: you needed people to throw animals at actors back then. Not like this modern society with it's automated monkey chuckers. You go to China! You won't see any damned monkey chucking machines there, by golly! Nope! Still doing it by hand, like the old masters!

Ahem....Deemer soothes the monkey

and croons to him that they need to take him back inside and tend to the burns on his hands. This brings us back to Matt, who has just arrived back at the sheriff's office.

Matt does what people could do in 1955: he exits on the passenger side by sliding across the seat.

 I bet some people can still do that now, but I bet they're pretty small and wiry.

Matt's greeted by the sheriff wielding a coffee pot.

Coffee pots are to officers of the law what tobacco pipes are to scientists: the pipe is there to make someone look wiser, the coffee pot is there to show the police officer's tireless pursuit of justice. I can hear the director now: "He still looks lazy! Someone get me a coffee pot!...There! That's better!"

Matt has dropped by to again air his grievance over Professor Deemer's insistence that Eric had acromegaly. Matt informs Sheriff Andrews that he was in Phoenix at the library (they had those back then...with books and everything!) and read up on acromegaly. There was not one record

of the disease maturing that quickly. So there! Nyah!

Guess what, Matt? Sheriff doesn't care. Just kidding! He has no choice but to care! It's in the script!

That coffee must be working, because Sheriff Andrews says "You think he was lying?". Compounding the sheriff's troubles, Matt points out that Professor Deemer and Eric are/were both leaders in the field of "nutrient biology". So what were they working on waaaaaay out in the desert?

They are joined by Joe, the local reporter,

who's madder than a wet hen about being kept out of the loop on Eric's death. Note rakish hat on Joe Reporter.

I think the idea was that when a reporter took a photo back in the days when men wore hats, he had to push the hat back on his head to see through the viewfinder on the camera. Therefore, any reporter, with camera or without, must wear his hat pushed back of his head.

Plus it gave them that "I-play-by-own-rules" kinda look.

Meanwhile, a few doors down, the bus from Phoenix has arrived

and offered up a lovely young woman.

Said young lovely is directed to ask inside about transportation out to the Deemer place. Our possible love interest is introduced to Josh,

who explains to her that the man with the cab (I guess there's only one) won't be back for two or three hours and she will have to sit and wait for him.

Ah! Western hospitality! Not to worry, though! Josh does take the time to hit on her. It's actually quite witty. Josh works up the courage, and says "I don't suppose..." and trails off. The lady quickly responds with "No, I don't suppose so." but offers a wry smile.
Oh, but here's our handsome doctor,

checking in with Josh before heading out to the Deemer place. Josh says "You headin' up there?" and, getting an affirmative, points to the lady

and states "Take 'er with ya." Strange that you didn't fare better, Josh. The young lady says if it's not too much trouble that would be lovely,

to which Josh responds "He won't mind" with a knowing leer. Matt agrees to a lift, and they prepare to leave. To which Josh asks "Hey! Ain't you gonna introduce yourselves?" To which Matt and the lady respond in unison: "No."

This leaves Josh scratching his head and wondering about these modern times.

Aren't you the guy that made no attempt to help a lady in distress, pointed at someone and hit on a lady young enough to be your granddaughter? I think you need to find a mirror to look in.

On the way out to the Deemer place, Matt decides they're far enough away from Josh that introductions are in order.

The lady introduces herself as Stephanie Clayton, but points out she goes by "Steve". Now, I've known female Darryls and Darcys and Rays but never a Steve. At any rate, we find out Steve is doing her graduate work in biology and Professors Deemer and Jacobs (Eric) have hired her on as an assistant. Matt breaks the news of Eric's death. Steve seems surprised by the acromegaly diagnosis as well.

We stop following the car's progress and are left "standing" on the side of the highway. Then we get a look at our tarantula

crossing the road and we see it's roughly the same size as the car that just passed. Obviously, the serum is still working it's magic.

Matt and Steve arrive at the Deemer residence

and find the door open. They enter and find Deemer spinning his story to Joe Reporter and his photographer.

Deemer is explaining the fire was caused by an electrical short. Well, that's technically correct.

After shooing Joe out, Deemer meets Steve and, with some prodding, remembers hiring her on before Eric's death. Steve asks if Paul Lund is still working with them. Steve heard he was working with them while she was in University. Our crafty professor

tells another half-truth, saying Paul "isn't with us anymore". Yes, in a biblical sense.

Deemer seems quite genial and even offers both of them a tour of his lab.

First stop on the tour: our mystery fluid, locked away in it's safe box.

Deemer explains it is a "completely non-organic food concentrate". No mention of it's unusual growth side effects, oddly enough.

The professor goes on (and on) to explain that while advances in medicine are making people live longer no one has addressed the issue of population or how to feed those people. Deemer explains that by the year 2000 our planet will have 3 billion, 625 billion people living on it's surface. (Sadly, even the paranoia of the 1950's wasn't paranoid enough. We hit 6 billion by 2000 and Earth is expected to house 11 billion by the year 2100.

Most of that will be made up of morons. We are increasing the population by roughly 80 million people per year now. To put that into perspective, imagine all five boroughs of New York city times ten. I don't know about you, but this is far scarier than any giant spider.) Anyway, Deemer explains that his synthetic food will provide sustenance for the growing population. Matt says he thought synthesis was impossible without a "bonding agent to hold it all together". Deemer says he uses "the simplest of all." The atom. Ah, there we go. I knew there had to be something atomic in there somewhere. Radioactivity was not only a blessing and a curse to mankind, but also to Hollywood. If you needed to explain growth/shrinkage/glowing beings/alien attack or anything else, radioactivity was your fall guy.

Deemer shows them a room containing radioactive isotopes that he uses to synthesise his non-organic food. Well, good thing it's six feet away behind glass. That should help with the radioactive contamination. The tour is interrupted by the phone ringing. It's for Matt.

He is needed by a patient. Matt slyly inserts a parting question on the way out:

Matt lets slip his research on acromegaly and asks Deemer for his take on it. Deemer deflects the question but does offer to allow the autopsy on Eric. That seems to satisfy Matt and he beats a path to the undertaker. There, we see Matt and the undertaker informing the sheriff

that they found nothing. No surprises at all. This forces Matt to admit that he may have jumped the gun on pointing the finger at Deemer. Sheriff Andrews is pleased as all Hell about this for some reason.

 

 Apparently, these accusations have increased the sheriff's workload exponentially, which is weird since Matt did all the work.

Meanwhile, back at the Deemer household, Professor Deemer is teaching Steve the fine art of pouring radioactive isotope-laden fluids without dying a horrible, lingering death.

Awfully decent of him. Basically, he stands there and says things like "Slowly, slow" and "Good". Where do I go for a grant? That's more like instructions for pouring a beer without putting too much head on it.

Great! Now I'm thirsty! Be right back.

*urp!* Okay, where was I? Yes, radioactive fluids. The professor...

No, not that one...is complaining to Steve

....No, not that one...that his "nutrient" is inconsistent. Some serums work great, he says, and some have caused death. He doesn't mention that at least two of those deaths were former assistants. Probably wise. They bring their nutrient over and box it up for safe distribution.

Steve fetches a rat for the professor

and assists as the professor gives the rat it's injection.

Steve asks how long until they see a result? Deemer responds by showing her a rabbit in a cage.

How old would you say this rabbit is, he asks. Steve estimates four months. Deemer shows her the rabbit's charts.

It is only six days old. "Is it normal?", asks Steve. Professor Deemer says the only difference is this rabbit is healthier and stronger than normal. That would be excellent news if we didn't know there was a super-strong, super-healthy giant spider running loose out there. Deemer says he must make nutrient consistent before human trials can begin. "There mustn't be a mistake this time", he says. This fairly transparent comment goes unnoticed by Steve and we leave the scene with Professor Deemer rubbing his arm; a gentle reminder of Paul's injection.

Cut scene to Deemer now peering into a microscope.

It's later in the day (we assume) and Steve announces she has a hair appointment. Quote: "Science is science, but a girl must get her hair done!" Somewhere, Gloria Steinem is crying. Steve heads out and we are treated to a close up of Deemer rubbing his arm again.

But now his hand is looking a bit odd. You see, it's because Paul injected him with the nutrient....in that arm....except Deemer was unconscious so he doesn't know....about the injection in his arm that he keeps rubbing....where Paul injected him. ALRIGHT! We get it! He's changing! We saw it the first time for Chrissakes! Put away the mallet! Sheesh!
Meanwhile, back in town, Matt runs in to Steve post-hair appointment and offers to carry her things.

Huh, brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favourite things. Matt, being the sly cad he is, invites Steve to sit with him on a bench in the park. Oh, you DOG! Since it's 1955, and everyone over the age of five smokes Chesterfields and Lucky Strikes, Matt offers Steve a cigarette, as he is legally obligated to do.

She decides she'll have one later and the two strike up a conversation. Naturally, Steve talks about her work with Deemer and mentions her surprise at the size of the six-day-old rabbit.

Matt is intrigued and starts to see the pieces falling into place. Steve also mentions Deemer's comment about the instability of the nutrient leading to death in some cases. This prompts Matt to offer Steve a ride back up to her place of work rather than waiting on the bus. (Wait, if there was a bus that goes up there why didn't the bus driver mention it when she got off earlier?) Never mind, they're already on their way.

While driving up to Deemer's, Matt begins to wax poetic about the beauty and mystery of the desert. Steve agrees and points out some interesting rock formations just off the road.

Matt offers to stop and play tourist for a while.

Now, here's another thing about the 1950s: look at these two. Dressed to the nines and it's just a regular day. These days anyone this well-dressed is answering a plea before a judge. It's a shame. Steve hears a strange scratching sound and tenses up, but Matt points out the source.

Just a wee harmless bunny rabbit!

No, really. Put away the Holy Hand Grenade.

For now...

Steve decides she will take up Matt on his offer of lung cancer and lights up.

May as well have it before some five year old comes bumming smokes. Above them, we see a rock slowly working it's way loose.

Well, that could be anything. A strong gust of wind, or a very localised earthquake or a giant mutant spider....who's to say? Anyway, the rocks come crashing down

and our love birds manage to run off to the side and watch the avalanche from a safe distance. You know why they're fine? Because they aren't minorities. If Matt would have been from Mexico and Steve was from Ghana, they'd both be flat as pancakes now. Sorry, but that's just how Hollywood rolled in the '50s. Find a lead role not occupied by a white English-speaking male prior to 1970 and I will apologise.

Anyway, they're fine and shake it off pretty quickly. They get back in the car and continue on their way. The camera pans back up and we see the cause of the rock slide:

There's yer problem! Giant spider!

As Matt is dropping off Steve, she invites Matt in to have a look at her rabbit.

Is that what they called it in 1955? Well, whatever gets the job done. Deemer peeks through the window

and is obviously displeased at seeing Matt again. Matt follows Steve into the lab and she is shocked to see the full grown rabbit from earlier that day is now twice the size it was.

Steve checks the baby rat from this morning. It is now the size of a full grown adult.

Well, that could be anything. Natural growth spurt, or exceptionally yummy pellets or radioactive nutrients. Who knows? Deemer has snuck his way back to the landing on the stairs and is eavesdropping.

 Y'know, if you don't want to come across as an evil scientist, you shouldn't stand where lights shine up from beneath you. I read that in "Vogue"....that's some good advice, right there. The scene is interrupted by the ringing of the telephone.

Oh my God! The telephone is huge too! Oh, dear Lord! Why would you inject the telephone, you mad fool!!!.....oh, wait....it's just a close up. Whew!

It's for Matt again. He has another medical emergency. Right! Off you go!

Matt takes his leave (while the rest of go marching up and down the square), and the professor comes from hiding to confront Steve.

Deemer is angry with Steve. Does she think his lab is open to the public? Is she giving tours now?

Steve begins to apologise but ends with "Professor, your face!" and we see what the issue is.

I realise this is supposed to be a shocking moment for the audience, but I didn't find it scary or even all that weird. I grew up with my dad watching Andy Rooney

on "60 Minutes" every Sunday. Big whoop. You'll have to do a bit better than that if you're looking to startle me. The professor goes upstairs and takes a 1955 "selfie".

You can almost hear the wheels turning. And then Deemer figures it out.

Excellent. Congratulations on your moment of personal growth. Hmm....poor choice of words, I guess. Sorry, professor.

Matt is on his way back to town when he sees the rock formation ahead.

Curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls in.

As he stands there, pondering, a horrible creature makes it's way towards him AND THEN!

The sheriff laughs at him for being jumpy.

Hey! You weren't the one laughing in the previous movie, Nestor! Matt explains the rock slide and asks what the sheriff is doing there. The sheriff explains he was just on his way to Andy Anderson's ranch and saw Matt's car. Andy says something ate his cattle. Sheriff Andrews asks Matt to come along.

Andy meets them there, since he lives there, and brings them up to where the cattle were.

Worst. Barbecue. Ever. ("The food was terrible and the portions were so small!")

Oh look! A pool of unknown liquid. Quick! Someone stick their hand in it! Hurry!

Wait. What? No one is sticking their entire arm into this goo? Really? Wow! A b-movie first! Logic and caution!

Ol' Andy there is telling them how his son found the skeletons not too far away from our mystery goo. Hmm....Well, with nothing to go on (like a huge spider) they skedaddle. Cue nighttime establishing shot!

Thank you. Horses, I need you to act skittish and move around a lot.

Thank you. Okay, let's have an updated look at our little creepy crawly. Cue spider!

Great googly moogly! My how you've grown! And, like all growing teenage boys, our spider is hungry.

He moves in on one of the horses and almost has it in his grasp

when Ol' Andy shows up with his Convincer.

The tarantula turns away from the 600 pound horse to pursue the 150 pound man. Just like in nature, a predator always abandons a large easy meal for a smaller more dangerous one.

Yeah, sure. Uh huh.

Anyway, our tarantula om nom noms on Ol' Andy and we cut to a scene of a farm truck,

loaded down with sheep, making it's way down a country road....Take me home. Sorry.

Why! It's Ol' Jeb and Not-As-Old-But-Still-No-Spring-Chicken Zeke a-drivin'! Zeke sees sumpin' up on the road. A head!

Wait, did I already do the "On the road, a head" gag? Yes, I did. My apologies....still funny, though.

Anyway, Zeke sees the spider and freaks out!

Ol' Jeb wakes up just in time to be hurled through the air by the tarantula.

Shoulda slept through that one, Jeb. The impact smashes the truck to bits

and, we assume, the yummy morsels therein as well. Cut to the accident being investigated a few hours later.

The sheriff tells Matt and Joe Reporter there were no skid marks and the brakes tested good on the truck. It's like "something just threw the truck 30 feet off the road". Well, Geico is never going to believe this. Luckily, there's no one left alive to file a claim.

And, hey look! More white goo!

This time the temptation is too much for Matt and he dips a pinkie into the goo.

I knew he couldn't last. First Matt smells the stuff,

"No distinctive odor", he remarks. Then he puts a bit on his tongue.

Matt says it has a strong acidic taste, as he spits it out. Well, good thing you didn't step in it then.
I think the look on Joe Reporter's face says it all.

Matt asks for a Thermos so he can get a sample.

Gross! I guess you owe someone a new Thermos.

Back in town, Matt is examining the sample.

Matt announces that the mystery goo has the same properties as insect venom. Not surprisingly, Joe Reporter scoffs at this. "No insect in the world has that much venom!"

Matt says fine, don't believe me. Let's see what Professor Deemer's findings are. They call the Deemer place and get Steve on the phone.

Steve interrupts them to explain that Deemer is changing and not in a good way. She doesn't see Deemer creeping down the stairs.

Sundown, you better take care, if I find you been creeping 'round my back stairs....Sorry. Steve doesn't even have a satin dress on. Anyway, as Matt tries to understand what this all means

we see Deemer grab the phone from Steve.

She screams, the line goes dead and Matt wastes no time driving up to the Deemer place.

On his drive, the camera also stops to remind us there's a giant spider loose.

Oh, right, the tarantula. Like in the title. Nearly forgot.
Matt arrives fearing the worst, but we are pleasantly surprised to see Steve is fine.

She ushers

No, not that one....Matt inside. (Not once have I ushed anyone.) We see the professor is collapsed at the table.

Oh, come now! Surely he's not that bad! Let's get him up and have a look at him.

Gahh!! Okay, I lied. NOW he looks like Andy Rooney. Matt gives the professor a shot of something

(Vitamin D?...Bourbon?....arsenic?....we never find out), and Steve helps him drink a bit of water. After a short while the professor starts to come around.

Matt wants answers, damn it! Well, he doesn't swear or anything, but he is quite stern. "Start with Jacobs" he demands of Deemer. Professor Deemer stands and begins to explain how all of this began.

I was half expecting a musical number to begin, but I was thankfully incorrect. He does do a quick imitation of Tevye from Fiddler On The Roof, though.

But still no singing. Deemer explains how both Eric and Paul had grown impatient with the animal trials of the nutrient and injected themselves. He tells them both about the fight with Paul and the ensuing fire. "You should have seen them before the fire!" Deemer says, waving his arms. "Guinea pig the size of a dog. Rat, tarantula...all lost." Now we're getting somewhere! Deemer explains that it was only recently he realised Paul had injected him with the nutrient as a way to force him to continue the research. Deemer then collapses again.

Steve and Matt bring Deemer upstairs and into his bed. Matt says he has given the professor a sedative to help him sleep. Steve asks if he will recover. Matt shakes his head. I assumed she meant from the radioactive nutrient, but maybe she was implying something about Matt.

At any rate, Matt hops in his plane

and jets (well, "propels") down to the:

where he meets up with some scientist who probably did have a name. I just didn't write it down. Here he is:

He looks like a Clarence. Yeah, let's go with that. Anyway, Dr. Clarence Carter here is in the movie to educate Matt about tarantulas. (See previous entry in regards to "Necessary Morons"). He does agree with Matt's conclusion that the white goo is insect venom, but he's quite sceptical when Matt tells him he found gallons of it in a puddle.

Clarence shows a short film

showing the habits and whatnot of your typical tarantula. Among the riveting information: the largest tarantula lives in South America...where everything is either poisonous,

venomous,

or fabulous.

The tarantula native to Arizona growths to about three inches.

I think the one running amok might be just a hair past that. Clarence then goes on to explain that tarantulas use their venom to paralyse their victims.

Then they inject a "solvent" (his words, not mine) into their food to dissolve the flesh so they can suck it up.

Clarence then wraps it up by saying the tarantula's "bite" (actually a "sting") is no more harmful to humans than a wasp's sting. Death has only been recorded due to infections from the sting, not the sting itself. Not wanting to look like a whacko,

Matt slides in a hypothetical question: what if someone made a tarantula huge and unleashed it on our world? (Smoooooth.) Clarence says "Expect something more cruel and deadly than has ever walked this earth."

AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!.....Oh, wait. How'd that get in there? (Don't sue me!)

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, our tarantula has grown large enough to merit a neat-looking special effect. As he crosses the highway (looking both ways first, of course)

one of his eight furry legs

whacks into a telephone pole, knocking it lopsided.

That is quite an achievement for 1955 and I bet it left some tongues wagging. I still remember that part in "Jurassic Park" where the T Rex breaks out of it's area and attacks

and I was dumbfounded how they did it. I bet there were a few movie goers talking about this the same way.

Back at the Arizona Agricultural Institute (For The Criminally Insane) Matt is told his call won't go through.

The operator says there must be a downed telephone line. Probably a spider. Happens a lot.

We flip back to the ranch and Icky (I named the tarantula "Icky") is now having a go at the power lines, too.

This serves two purposes in the movie: 1- Icky is the same height as the towers, and 2- Icky is nigh on indestructible.
Well, being a nearly immortal giant gets a spider hungry, I'm here to tell ya! So, Icky goes cruisin' for his next serving of People Helper. Slim and Pokey are enjoying a little downtime around the campfire

when they see something that doesn't quite sit right.

Now, friends, I'm telling you if we're enjoying the great outdoors and a grotesquely huge spider comes over the hill, you're going to have to mail me my shoes. I'm not stopping to look at you to make sure you see what I see,

and I'm not going back for you if you trip,

And do you know why? Here's what happens if I did:

And then we'd both be dead. That would make me sad, being slurped up by a giant tarantula. You wouldn't want me to be sad, right? Of course not! That's why I'm bookin' it the Hell outta there if this ever happens to us. No offence.

Matt is checking in with the sheriff.

He managed to get through, finally. Matt tells the sheriff to round up a posse and arm them with boomsticks. Well, he doesn't say that,

but he would if he ever saw "Army Of Darkness"....'cause it's awesome. Matt tells him to call the state police and meet him at the Deemer place. The sheriff is reluctant,

but Matt is the star of the picture so he agrees to do as he says. Icky is still traipsing back and forth across the highway,

causing power lines to pop and the lights at the ol' Deemer place to flicker as Steve settles into her studies.

This flicker of lights reminds Steve to check on the professor. (?)

He is still sleeping soundly/and/or dead. Apparently she could tell without going in. I couldn't.

Icky creeps over the horizon and makes his way to the Deemer residence. Probably wants to check on the professor, too.

Steve gets back to studying, unaware that a monstrous spider is approaching.

I guess I wouldn't know either, in similar circumstances. I suppose I could look out the window or something.

That might work. But Steve seems to not even notice that she has a window.

She goes about her business and the spider goes about his. Two very different agendas, mind you.

It isn't until Icky starts tearing into the roof

that she whirls around to see. "Oh, hey! A window!", she says....okay, not really. She screams and throws her hands up to protect her Miss October 1958 (true)

face from being damaged. Icky The Tarantula ("The" is his middle name, after his grandfather) keeps digging at the roof,

causing quite a bit of damage

and making enough noise to wake the dead!

Gahh!....quit doing that! Okay, even Andy Rooney looked better than that. Steve rushes in to the professor's room

to help him out and stops to scream.

Icky has gouged a hole in the roof and has decided the professor will make a nice, light snack.

Steve wastes no time trying to rescue the professor (can't really blame her) and runs for the door.

Her timing couldn't be better, as Matt is just pulling up to the end of the driveway. You know how he hates to wait.

Icky finishes demolishing the house

and Matt and Steve turn the car around and get the heck outta there!

Out on the highway, the sheriff has the state police in the car with him. Well, one of them.

Apparently the state police can't afford their own vehicles and just bum rides wherever they need to go. We see Icky in hot pursuit of Matt and Steve.

Steve sees it, too and passes this along to Matt.

Icky seems to be gaining ground on them,

but then in the next shot we see Matt stopping on the highway

to give the details to the sheriff and his armed comrades.

Matt barely has time to spin his tale, which is met with disbelief. Then someone decides to be rude and point and call Matt a poo-poo head!

No, it seems the spider got lost

and ended up on the opposite side of the highway than where he started. Oh, well. He's got his bearings now. And, on the bright side, everyone believes Matt about the venom now. The sheriff even manages a curse worthy of 1955 movies:

"Jumpin' Jupiter!" Hey! Hey! There's no need for that kind of language! Matt and the rest hatch a plan to gather dynamite to lay in the spider's path to blow him up. Good plan but we need someone to slow him down until we can get it in place.

Well, no Red Shirts around, so these two will have to do.

Now, in all fairness, it was a decent plan: they shoot at the tarantula to draw it's attention, and then they hop into Matt's car

and drive around for a bit,

getting the spider to follow but not catch them. Like a Sunday drive, only with bullets and massive arachnids. Problem: what if the car won't start? Well, the spider has a contingency plan for that.

Not a good one, but hey, he's a spider. Meanwhile, the posse is on the horn making plans to blow Icky into pieces.

How rude! I don't know why the state trooper is all scrunched up like that. Maybe there was a reason but I thought he looked weird. He looks like he's riding shotgun on a stagecoach. Anyway, he's telling someone to gather up all the dynamite

and head up to "just north of Devil's Rock". Matt

doesn't seem convinced this will be enough and says so. Without a blink, the trooper tells whoever's on the other end to get the air force base on the phone and send planes with "everything they got".

No problem. Anything else? Make sure they have napalm on board. Sure. Why not? Wait....did they have napalm in 1955? I guess they must have. I thought that was a Vietnam-era thing. Shows what I know.

The boys are back with the dynamite. Let's blow something up! Can I get a "Yee-hah"?

I like how suddenly all of these people are explosives experts and are able to slap this together like they've done it a hundred times before. Joe Reporter

finally catches up and seems to be the only one still in disbelief about the tarantula. Yes, Joe. I'm sure this is all just an elaborate gag put on by your friends to make you look silly. Nimrod! The wait is over, as indicated by the hick with the blasting wire.

Can we please settle on a size for this spider?

The rocks he's climbing over were about 75 feet high, which makes Icky about 150 feet tall in this shot. He keeps growing and shrinking. How am I supposed to knit him a sweater if we can't agree on a size? Joe sees Icky and (finally) gets on board.

No wonder you're a reporter in a one-horse town, Joe. Anyway, the posse lays out the dynamite

runs the detonator cord stuff out

....wait...are you sauntering?....who the Hell saunters at a time like this?....PICK IT UP, MAN!! There's a spider the size of the White House coming! Whatever. The trooper wires up the plunger

and we see the tarantula is taking the bait.

Matt and the state trooper time their shot, and....NOW!

BLAMMO!!!

Surely that much dynamite is enough to squish a spider, right? Nope.

Ol' Icky is still high stepping it. Everyone puts on their best "Oh Crap!" face,

Except the guy in the middle. He seems to think he's posing for a group shot at the company picnic. Maybe he's just squinting and doing a really bad job of it. Anyway, the trooper undoes the plunger and everybody gets the hell out of there.

They regroup back in town and immediately start brainstorming. "What do we do now?"

I would suggest finding God. That seems to be the usual root for the desperate. Oh, wait! We see the jets arriving to assess the situation.

That brings out a "wha-hoo!" from our Puerto Rican sheriff, who waves his hat in the air in joy.

If you're a cowboy, you're not happy until you're "wave-your-hat-in-the-air" happy. We see Icky making his eight-legged way towards the town. Still maybe a half a mile out.

Hmmm....jet fighters are going to release rockets and napalm half a mile away....do you think we should take cover? Nah!

Here's another interesting bit: none of the jet pilots seem fazed by their mission. "Oh, another 100 foot tall arachnid? Big whoop! Remember last week, Jim? The centipede? Now THAT was weird!"

And who's this squinty-eyed, gravelly voiced man leading the charge? He seems familiar. Ah, yes!

I'd know that squint anywhere. Clint Eastwood in an uncredited early roll. Well, if anyone is going to kill a huge tarantula, Clint's where the smart money is. He'll probably just glare at it. Oh, my mistake. They're using rockets.

Well, there are innocent bystanders fairly nearby, so best not to use the glare. But guess what? The rockets have little effect on Icky.

"Exoskeleton" people. You should have been watching the educational film from earlier. And still the people are standing there.

I like a good explosion as much as the next guy, but not so close. Icky can't be more than a quarter of a mile away now. At least step back behind the yellow line. Too late! Here's the napalm.

That should do it, right? Geez, I hope so.

Yep, now we have a full-on Icky barbecue. And still no one moves away from the enormous, highly noxious flames 300 feet high. No, instead, let's have a touching moment.

Call the bloody fire department or something!

Never mind. It's the end.

Things I learned from this movie:

1- We never do see the little monkey again. I think he only grew a little and then found a nice family that taught him card tricks....what? It was the 50s.

2- Mara Corday, who played Steve, was married to Richard Long, from "House On Haunted Hill" among many other things. They were like the 50's version of Brangelina. Only with a sane number of children.

I only mention this for two reasons: (1- I am a bit jealous of Richard Long, dead or not, and

2- I was looking for an excuse to post a few more photos of Mara.)

3- Professor Deemer was played by Leo G. Carroll. Movie buffs may recognise him from two of Hitchcock's best: Strangers On A Train and North By Northwest

where he plays "The Professor". To his credit, his character wasn't a real professor in NBNW, he was a spy wrangler. Much cooler.

4- Mara Corday was also in the less-than-good movie "The Giant Claw".

Let's see if I can find another photo of her.

Stop looking at me like that! I can quit anytime!

Guess that mess! Here we go!

 If you guessed the lippy feline, you win! Your tarantula is in the mail. (Gigantism not included).